Military Jokes

My sergeant just told me this... Im going to get an old car, take a sledge hammer to the back bumper repeatedly , then get a bumper sticker that says ""I brake for tailgaters.""

It's 3 AM, and a general urgently calls by phone to the sergeant... A private awnsers the phone: -""Hello?"" -""Quickly, hand me over to the sergeant"" the general says -""No, i'm sorry, the Sergeant is sleeping, and he doesn't want to be disturbed, call him again in the morning"". The general, angry, says: -""Incompetent! pass me with the sergeant"" The private yells into the phone: -""Are you a tough guy? CALL BACK TOMORROW IN THE MORNING"" -""Do you know who I am?"" -""No, and I don't care"" …

A fast running sister. I was in a USAF training school- one of about 30 students. The instructor had a habit of picking on one of the students, a guy named Sparks because he was very quiet. We sat in groups of 4-5 people at tables. Sparks did not sit at my table. I could tell it bothered Sparks so I went to him one day and asked if he would like to get even with the instructor. He said OK so I told him my plan/joke. The next day the Sergeant instructor was standing by my table after giving us an…

If Reddit users were Military Weapons... They would be Attention-Seeking Missles.

Why don't american have a bullet train? They use the bullets to train the military.

Battle at Sea A Navy Captains ship was in danger of being boarded by the enemy. As his crew began to panic the captain told his first mate, ""Bring me my red shirt!"" Confused, the first mate asked, ""Sir, why would you ask for a red shirt in the heat of battle?"" The Captain responded, ""If I am hit, the shirt would conceal the wound and the men would continue to fight hard."" The battle came and went with minimal losses. As the men cheered for their victory a lookout called out. Ten more enemy…

I was at the airport when I saw a soldier returning home. The first thing he said was, ""look mom, no hands.""

She wanted to start a candy-making business. A woman named Deedee loved to buy and eat chocolate from See's Candies shops. One day she decided she loved chocolate SO much that she would make her own chocolate shop. So she filed all the paperwork, and took all the steps to open up her shop. She called it Deedee's Treats. For a long time she sold all kinds of chocolate treats. Eventually, though, her sales dropped. She searched online for what people were saying about her shop. Online reviews cons…

Do you know what is 100,000 French men standing with their hands up? French Army.

Ukraine What do you think about the Russian military intervention in Krimea? I think they're just Stalin. If they are, soviet, as long as they're Putin their weapons away.

What's a BRT ? Two U.S. army officers once passed a new recruit who was on cleaning duty... ""Don't forget to clean off the B.R.T."" said one of them, pointing to a big round metal object. ""Boy, how do you know all the names of all the different machinery?"" marveled a fellow officer. ""And what does B.R.T. stand for, anyway ?"" ""Big Round Thing,"" he answered.

Who took care of German army dogs after the war? Veteran Aryans

Despite having twice the manpower, China's military size is the same as that of the US. Twice the manpower, half the size; it evens out nicely. Before you go all Kungfu-ey ape-shit bat-shit crazy on me, I'll have you know I'm Asian. Heard it here [first](http://www.reddit.com/r/todayilearned/comments/33r25e/til_chinas_military_manpower_is_almost_twice_the/cqnqoql)

Why did the soldier salute the occupied restroom? There was a loo tenant inside.

Ambush Watch Down at the Senior Center the other day Joe was telling a tale about his experience in the jungle during his war. It seems that he was wearing a cheap watch one night while on an ambush and it made so much noise that his buddy insisted that he douse the watch with bug spray . . . to get rid of the ticks.

I've been studying the Cold War and nuclear weapons for history class non-stop... ...it's driving me MAD.

So I was doing research on WWII. The Americans were winning the war with flying colors. And by that of course, I mean the Tuskegee Airmen.

Calculus Joke Courtesy of my math professor: Two mathematicians go to a bar after a rigorous day of number crunching. After a few drinks, the first mathematician begins to lament the current state of the general public's mathematical knowledge. ""People just don't know their calculus anymore!"" ""I don't think that's true,"" replies the second, "" I bet they know more than you think"". ""Let's make it a real bet then,"" says the first, "" I'll bet you $100.00 that if I ask *her* a simple questio…

Herman James Was Drafted Forty-five years ago Herman James, a Tennessee mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in boot camp the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon an Army barber sheared his head. On his second day the Army issued him a tooth brush. That afternoon an Army dentist yanked several of his teeth. On his third day he was issued a jock strap. The Army is still looking for him.

In Russia during the height of the 1921 famine ,a bread queue has formed outside in freezing weather to feed the citizens but the bread truck hasn't arrived. A party official comes up and says, ""Hello comrades! There isn't enough bread to feed everyone today, so no bread will be given to any Jews."" All of the Jews, used to disappointment, shrug, pack up their things and go home. Two hours go by as the snow keeps falling. The official returns and announces, ""We're very sorry, comrades. There i…

War is not the answer Unless, ""What is the opposite of peace?"" is the question.

Why has there never been a military dictatorship in America? Because they don't have an American embassy over there.

Mastercard Chinese Resturant Commercial General Tso's Chicken........ $11.50 Coca-Cola........ $1.99 Take out guy forgets container........ Riceless

What do you call baby ents that are going to war? The infantree.

So the Pope has gotten bored staying in the vatican for years on end, so he decided to travel the world doing services and meeting cardinals and bishops around the globe. Despite all this travel, he, of course, never drives. He always has a different chauffeur to take him wherever he is going who always meet him at the airport and take him wherever he wants to go. The Pope misses driving, so one day he asks his driver, ""Do you mind if I drive, just this once? I haven't driven ever since becomin…