Military Jokes

Compilation Why are pakis bad soccer players? Everytime they get a corner, they open a store. How do you stop a paki war-tank? Shoot the guys pushing it. What do you do if you run over a paki? Reverse. Recent reports have indicated that the Facebook ALS Ice Bucket Challenge has been a great success in the UK. Apparently over 10,000 pakis have now had a bath. Fifteen skinheads chased a Pakistani into a shop and proceed to kick seven flavours of shit out of him. Eventually, the police arriv…

I order to stay in the Navy, I had to take a course in anchor management.

An American, a German and a Dutchman enter into a bar The American says: From a colony we became the best country in the world, fought on all continents and won both world wars. The German: We became a military and economical power in just a century and we dared to fight the world all at once. TWICE! The Dutchman: Oh, well... we have a lot of tulips...

Why does the North Korean military always lose their battles? [xpost /r/meanjokes] Every single shot at them is at a chink in their armor.

What do you get when cross the Dukes of Hazzard car with K.I.T.T. ? General Lee speaking.

The Civil War wasn't about slavery . . . . . . it was about ethics in journalism.

The navy caught a pirate armada. The admiral of the navy went to interrogate the pirate captain. He noticed that the captain was missing a leg, had a hook on a hand and was wearing an eyepatch. So he asked him the story behind them. The pirate captain said, ""I lost the hand 5 years ago, while fighting with the English army. So I used a hook in its place."" ""What about the leg?"" ""I lost the leg when a mutiny occured and my first mate fought me. I killed him and all the mutineers were executed…

In the 1950's.... The Americans trained spies from birth to enter the Soviet Union and find out information. They had trained one American for 20 years, taught him the culture, the language, food, and their general way of life. By the time the American was 21, they had shipped him off to Moscow. As soon as he got off in Moscow, the Soviets immediately found out that he was an American spy. ""How did you find out?"" The spy asked. A Soviet replies ""Foolish American, there are no black people in …

A Baptist Cowboy A Baptist Cowboy A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. H e sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, ""You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."" The cowboy replies, ""Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is an Airborne Rang…

Why couldn't Germany win a world war? Because they'd Russia lot

Thor goes out for a ride on his mighty war horse. He rides all morning and afternoon until as the sun sets he is sat on the top of the highest mountain overlooking his entire domain. He stands up on the horse and shouts ""I AM THOR"" and as his voice echoes through the valleys his horse replies: ""That's because you forgot your thaddle thilly""

Cold War Hungarian Joke Communism is the noble struggle by the proletariat to overcome problems that only exist under Communism.

The South Carolina Church shooter didn't know if he could start a race war... ...but he decided to give it a shot.

Firing Squad 2 men lined against a wall ready to be shot by a fireing squad..""have you any last requests""says the soldier...Yes says the man..can we stand behind the wall...

An Austrian joke: The hare, the fox and the bear receive their enlistment order An Austrian joke I like very much: The hare, the fox and the bear turn 18 and receive their enlistment order, but don't want to serve in the military. This was back when conscientious objection was not as easy as it is nowadays. They meet in front of the barracks and think about what to do. The hare has to go inside first. They decide to fold one of his ears and fix them with a clothespeg (US: clothespin). The hare g…

A couple spontaneously decide to go on a date together. So they simply get in the car and go. They drive downtown towards all the majority of the restaurants available to them and pull into the parking lot of their favorite one. The only problem is that there is a giant wait time. So they try their second favorite. Same thing: huge wait time.This trend continues until they are left with a pretty unpopular and sub-par diner that's unfortunately know for their less-than-awesome food. The man and t…

It was 1940... ...in war time Berlin. An SS Officer had a side line going as an amateur clock maker and repairer. One day a customer walked into his clock repair shop with a mantel clock. The SS Officer said ""Vhat can I do for you?"" The customer replied. ""It's my mantel clock. It's not working properly... if you put your ear to it, you will know what I mean. All it does is Tic-Tic-Tic-Tic-Tic all of the time Tic-Tic-Tic. It doesn't Toc"". ""Okay, leave it viz me, I'll sort it out. Come back o…

I had a turd the other day that looked exactly like George Bush. I shit you not! (It even tried to declare war on me)

""FIFA President, Secretary General, and Communications Director are all traveling in a car, who's driving?"" ""The Police"" all credit goes to ex FIFA com director Walter De Gregorio, hilarious joke, sorry it cost you you're job!

I recently found out I was God... A few days ago, when I was alone one night, I decided to kneel down at the end of my bed and pray to God. I wanted to get a few things off my chest. I started talking about my problems, my hopes, my dreams and life in general. And then it suddenly occurred to me that I was talking to myself. From then on, I realised I was God.

So my dad was taking a class on nuclear reactors to work on navy nuclear subs... One of the things they had to do go through a bunch of case studies and learn what went wrong. For example, a nuclear starts to go critical and so one of the employees makes his way over and looks down to see what the problem could. Suddenly, the reactor explodes impaling the employee and sticking him to the wall. As rescue teams go to grab the body the notice his name: Bob, Shishka.

The Fifa president, secretary general and communications director are all travelling in a car. Who's driving? The police. Not mine: http://www.bbc.com/sport/0/football/33099881

3 Soldiers are training for the army 3 Soldier are training for the army when their Commander ask each one of them the same question : Commander : ""If you are being pursued by an helicopter and you are in the drivers seat of a Jeep, what do you do to escape the emminent attack ?"" The first soldier answers : ""Welp, I think I would hide under the Jeep."" Commander respond : ""Of course not ! They will shoot the Jeep and you'll blow up with it."" The second soldiers answers : ""I would drive the…

Hitler is threatening to start World War 3 He is dead serious. ayyy lmao

Used to work at a dry cleaners whilst in prison and the job was tedious as hell, so one day I decided I'd sneak out in the middle of my shift. As I left the building, an army of security guards came round the corner and swarmed me, guns drawn. One of them stepped forward and said to me, ""Get busy leaving, or get busy drying.""