Military Jokes

What does a colonial space marine and Europe have in common? They are both xenophobic!

Bush, the Queen, Putin and Borisov are in front of 4 banks. So, Bush, The Queen, Putin and bulgaria's very own PM Borisov are standing in front of 4 banks. They decide to send in their best. Bush sends in his best marine platoon, and after 2 hours they come out with all the cash. The queen sends in her best SAS platoon, and after an hour, they come out with all the cash and everyone as hostages. Putin sends in his best Spetznaz platoon, and after 30 minutes, they come out with all the cash and n…

I was told I look like a nazi soldier... And I said, ""no, this is a Wehrmacht uniform"".

If you could have a superpower, what would you pick? Cold War Russia

Terrorist lunch A terrorist arrested by the army said after his capture : >Kill me before noon, I would like to eat my lunch with the Prophet Mohamed One of the soldiers said : >we will kill you at 1pm, you'll do the dishes.

why you should never go to war against bhuddists they have respawn

A journalist visits Arab country. He sees an Arab riding a camel and his wives following him on foot and carrying all his luggage. Women are threated badly in muslim countries. One day a war starts in this country. It lasts a few years and ends. Journalist visits the country once again. He sees an Arab riding a camel. He has another camel taking his luggage on the side of him. And all his wives travel on foot in the front of him. Journalist see a great change in how the women are threated in thi…

Mexican drug lords now have ig and keep posting selfies with stacks of money, mansions and yachts. I think the army... could really learn something from that recruitment campaign.

Where does the General keep hs armies? In his sleevies.

In honor of Veterans day I give you this.. A General retired after 35 years and realized a life-long dream of buying a bird-hunting estate in South Dakota. He invited an old friend to visit for a week of pheasant-shooting. The friend was in awe of the General's new bird dog, ''Sarge''. The dog could point, flush and retrieve with the very best, and the friend offered to buy the dog at any price. The General declined, saying that Sarge was the very best bird dog he had ever owned and that he woul…

My Grandad spent most of the war on the lookout out for German bombers. He was a lifeguard at Berlin Swimming Baths.

Where does a shoulder work? In the army.

The moral of World War 2 Two wrong don't make a right, but three Reichs make a left

what is the most common place to find a Jew after world war 2 The grave

Did year about the phone war between the iPhone 6s and Samsung s6 I hear the S6 has an edge.

I used to work at... I used to work at a 7/11. A lady comes in and asks for a chewy candy bar. Let's just say I gave her my *big hunk* I used to work at a fabric shop. A lady came in one day and asked for some fabric. Let's just say she got *felt*. I used to work in a bakery. A lesbian came in one day and asked for some sponge biscuits to eat. Let's just say she got some *lady fingers* inside of her. I used to work as a Roman soldier. A lady came in one day and wanted to be crucified. Let's just…

A mentally challenged kid wants to do his part during the war effort. WWII breaks out and everyone is doing their part. A mentally retarded kid decides that he wants to join the war effort too so he heads down to the Marines recruiting station. They just laugh at him and tell him to go try one of the other branches. He heads over to the air force, they tell him it's not going to happen but maybe he'll have better luck with the navy. He tries them and gets told that they are desperate but not THA…

The Russian Army Q: Ho you Hld you -47 when running aay fro nuclea blast? A: On far stretched out hands coad, so the hot , fro the gun does not dip on s oned shoes!

What's a soldier's least favorite car company? KIA

Where does the military commander buy his groceries? the GENERAL STORE HAHAHAHAHAHA IM SO SORRY

An American soldier is deployed to Iraq... An American soldier is deployed to Iraq around 2005. One of the first things he noticed upon arrival was that women walked about 10 paces behind their husbands. He had never seen this before and asked his commanding officer why they did that. ""Iraq isn't as advanced as the US and women don't have equal rights here, they must walk behind their men as a display of subservience."" replied his CO. Ten years passed and the soldier was once again deployed to…

What small plant is used in war? The millitree.

Whats the gay man's favorite Civil War Battle? Manasses.

How were the Jews captured during World War 2? They could not resist a ho-low-cost.

Yesterday, I wore my Vietnam Veterans cap when I went to Wal-Mart. Since I retired, trips to Wally World to look at the 'Wal-Martians' is always good for some comic relief. While standing in line to check out, the guy in front of me, probably in his early thirties, asked, ""Are you a Vietnam Vet?"" ""No,"" I replied. ""Then why are you wearing that cap?"" ""Because I couldn't find the one from the War of 1812."" [I thought this was a snappy retort.] ""The War of 1812, huh?"" the 'Wal-Martian' qu…