Military Jokes

I told a popcorn joke to a bunch of military men The Colonels burst!

What's a similarity between Old Navy and Jerry Sandusky... Both of their pants are half off

Why Colonel had a bunch of underwears ? Because, Brigadier General asked him to debrief his team.

Where do war generals make decisions? In a think tank

Who is the easiest to get a high-five from in a war? The French. They always have their hands up.

""Bang Bang"" Timmy and Johnny grew up together, side by side Only a year apart in age They love to play with fake plastic guns ""Bang Bang"" is all you'd hear for hours as they played Cowboys and Indians to cops and robbers Their love for guns evolved from using their fingers as babies, to plastic toys as toddlers. From Nerf arsenals and paintball as children to airsoft and pellet guns in their teens It was in high school when the boys decided they wanted to make a difference in the communit…

The military may have invented the Internet, but not all government schemes have worked as well. In the '60s, the CIA hatched a plan to implant a battery and a microphone in a cat so the furry feline could spy on unsuspecting targets. The program was halted when, after years of research and millions of dollars spent, the spy cat was run over by a cab.

Why did Hitler commit suicide suddenly? He lost the war.and he did Nazi that coming..

There once was a soldier named Private Acid HQ called him back. When he got to home base, he was found neutralized.

A man joins the French Foreign Legion... So this man joins the French Foreign Legion and is being briefed in the middle of the desert by his superior. After the run down of his new life, protocols and procedures, he can't help notice that there's very little to do in the way of ""entertainment"". Approaching the commander, he asks discreetly ""I notice that there's a lack of women around here. How do we.. errrm.. what do we do if we have an 'urge'?"" ""Ah, I'm glad you asked me, soldier."" the c…

Lance Corporals Two good old boys, Billy Bob and Cletus have been promoted from privates to Lance Corporals. Not long afterward, they're out for a walk and Billy Bob says, ""Hey, Cletus, there's the NCO Club; let's you and me step in."" ""But we be only privates,"" protests Cletus. ""We're Lance Corporals now,"" says Billy Bob, pointing to his stripe and pulling him inside. ""Now, Cletus I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink."" ""But we're privates,"" says Cletus. ""You blind, boy?"" asks Bil…

Civil war jokes? I General Lee don't find them funny.

A Atheist, a Vegan and a Marine An atheist, a vegan and a Marine walk into a bar. How do you know that one of them is a Marine? Don't worry he'll let you know

I took a speed reading course and read War and Peace in 5 minutes. It's about Russia.

""Do you think the meme war will ever end?"" It may-may not.

A soldier survived mustard gas in battle and pepperspray by the police. He's now a seasoned veteran

Why can't a soldier look wistfully across the horizon? Because there are no gaze in the military

What do you call a US Marine with an IQ of 70? General

Good thing there isn't a standoff between the Oregon militants and the government. Fox News would probably have a stroke trying to figure out which it supports more: Use of military force against citizens or anti-government white men with rifles.

Getting older Two middle-aged brothers were chatting about getting older and life in general. The elder brother says, ""Jeez it seems like you've gotten a little grayer on top just since the last time I've seen you."" Without missing a beat the younger brother turns toward his balding elder brother and says, ""I hadn't noticed why don't you nod your head for me so I can take a look?""

A marine boarded a train on his way home from deployment. The train was quite crowded, and the marine walked the entire length of the car to find a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed middle-aged French woman, but when he got there he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary marine asked, ""Ma'am, may I have that seat?"" The French woman sniffed and said to nobody in particular, ""Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."" The marine walked the entir…

What does a Soldier and a Shoulder have in common? They have access to arms.

A man goes to join the navy Instructor- Do you know how to swim? Man-wait...they don't provide ships?

What is the motto of the French navy? To the water, it is time! Or in french... [a l'eau, c'est l'heure] (https://translate.google.co.uk/#fr/en/a%20l'eau%2C%20c'est%20l'heure)... BWA HA HA HA. OK... I know this is kind a dad joke but.... yeah (for those don't speak French and thus don't get this, click the link and click the speaker to have it read to you ;) )

I wonder if Einstein thought of his theory of general relativity... in New York's Time Squared...