Military Jokes

Jesus Christ is dying on the cross... ... and his disciples are gathered around, crying. Peter, looks up and notices that Jesus seems to be calling him, ""Peter, Peter, come!"". Peter rushes over to the cross, only to have his right arm cut off by the roman guard. He gets up and wants to return to the other disciples when he hears Jesus calling again, ""Peter, Peter, come!"" So, again Peter tries to climb the cross to get to his lord, when the roman soldier draws his sword and chops Peter's othe…

A soldier walks into a barber shop and, seeing that both the barbers are busy but there is no-one else waiting, takes a seat. Just as one of the barbers finishes with his customer, in walks an officer. The officer quickly appraises the situation and sits straight down in the one vacant barbers' chair. ""An officer on a weekend pass to see his wife takes priority over a private who's going to spend his weekend in a brothel."" says the officer. The soldier just shrugs, seeing that the other barber…

Make love not war... Or do both - get married.

What's the difference between Russian football fans and an old drunkard in a bar at closing time? Kicking the old drunkard out won't start world war III.

Did you know that Hitler survived World War 2? He's currently a mod at r/news.

The Five Nations were at war... ... But the war had grown long, and the people longed for peace. Seeking an alliance, the rulers of three of the lands approached the ruler of the fourth, saying, ""Let us join forces against the nation of Notar. They have recently lost their king and replaced him with a Senate. They will be weak, so let us strike now and rule together!"" However, the fourth ruler did not desire war with the Notar, for it would be of great cost to his people. He desired that a tre…

I love playing ""Army men"" with my Girlfriend I just lay on the ground an she blows the hell outta me

History doesn't repeat, it rhymes That's why World War 3 will be started by Schmitler

Why did Europe start the first World War? They did't like being sans-Ferdinand.

A Military Chief and a Liuetenant Stumbled Across Some Familiar Tracks in the Woods... The LT says, ""Those are bear tracks, we should head in the other direction."" Chief says, ""Those are not bear tracks, they are deer tracks. We can keep traveling in this direction. We will find civilization soon."" LT says, ""Sir I am a commisioned officer in the military, I went to college, and I out rank you. Those are bear tracks!"" Chief responds, ""I am the highest enlisted rank in the military, and I h…

What do you call a sapling in the military? An Infantry! (Infant tree, a sapling is a baby/young tree? Ah forget it!)

Two Ducks Two ducks in the airing cupboard, which one is in the army? The one on the tank.......

Why did the military name it's new drone system ""Caitlyn Jenner""? Because it's unmanned

When Pavlov was done with his experiments what did he do with his dogs? Donate them to the salivation army ^^I'llseemyselfout

Morning Inspection at a POW camp This joke needs an accent and some body motions for full effect. (I included them in parenthesis) At a German POW Camp the Commanding officer inspects the prisoners each morning in a line up. One Day as he's going down the line he gets to the final three prisoners and inspects them. The first prisoner is jerking his head side to side, and as his head goes back and forth, he makes peculiar sounds. ""Tick (head jerks left), Tock (head jerks right), Tick , Tock"" Th…

Three women get together for coffee and the topic of conversation turns to contraception. The first woman says: ""We've used the rhythm method for years. The Holy Father approves of it and its surprisingly effective - it's only ever failed us twice."" The second woman says: ""Holy Father, Shmoly Father. We don't go for all that pious claptrap. We've always used the pill. It's easy, it doesn't rob us of our pleasure and it's only ever failed us once."" The third woman says: ""We've always used th…

A man goes to a fortune teller. She lets out a gasp. ""What is it?"" he asks. ""Your future is very grim, my child."" says the fortune teller. ""What is it? Tell me!"" responds the man. ""I cannot say it, but I will right it down."" says the fortune teller. She writes down something on a piece of paper and hands it to the man. The man stuffs it in his coat pocket without reading it. Later that evening, the man tells his wife about the experience. ""Show me the piece of paper then."" says his wif…

A Mexican, a Hawaiian and a US Army member are on a plane... When the pilot tells them that they must shed weight or they will not have enough fuel to make it to their destination. Each member of the plane must throw one of their bags from the plane. The Mexican grabs a box full of tacos and tosses it from the plane. A minute later a little girl on the ground starts crying. ""Honey, why are you crying all of a sudden?"" ""I was just standing here and a box of tacos landed on my head."" The Hawai…

Where does marine wildlife get treated? The Squid-ward.

A Chinese man works for the Marine Corps A Chinese man is hired for a job managing supplies in the Marine Corps. After about two months working on the ship, the man goes missing on the Captain's birthday. ""Go check the supply room."" the Captain says to his Marines. The Captain and his Marines open the supply room, only to find a giant box, sitting in the middle of the floor. With their guns out, they carefully open the box. Suddenly, the Chinese man pops up from out of the box. ""Supplies!!!""

Lenin headed directly to Paradise after he died He thought he had done a lot of good for the oppressed, so he deserved retirement in Paradise. He knocked on Heaven's door: ""Knock, knock!"" God shouted from his cosmically gigantic and perfectly spherical office: ""Who's there?"" ""Vladimir Ilyich Lenin."" ""Okay, okay! The last one in be sure to close the door. It's kind of cold in here..."" God studied carefully Lenin's dossier and decided to send him to the most suitable place: Hell. A short t…

A mosquito goes to a military base. The commanding officer says, ""Sorry, this is a 'no fly' zone.""

We've updated Skype so you have the latest version... it includes performance improvements and general fixes.

What do you call a Serbian national hero? a war criminal

During World War 2, the Soviet Union had a group of very skilled snipers. The six members of the group accumulated 318 kills in under a week. While they were celebrating their achievements, they were captured by the Germans and were forced to work for them. They fought for the Germans for one week, but during that week, they weren't able to kill a single enemy soldier despite shooting their rifles countless times. A general who was disappointed, asked them why they can't kill anyone. One sniper …