Military Jokes

What is it called when a ship attacks their own navy? Edit: Whoops wrong sub.

A ventriloquist runs a show A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ""I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep wo…

The General got a heart attack, and the doctor told him to go for several weeks to a farm to relax. The guy went to a farm, and after a couple of days he was very bored, so he asked the farmer to give him some job to do. The farmer told him to clean the shit of the cows. The farmer thought that to somebody coming from the city, working the whole life sitting in an office, it will take over a week to finish the job, but for his surprise the Gen finished the job in less than one day. The next day …

Bridge blown up During a drill a bridge is labeled with a sign as blown up. To his anger the drill instructor sees a whole platoon crossing the bridge. The last soldier has a sign on his back. The instructor pulls out his binoculars. The sign reads: We're swimming.

When did the 100 years war get serious? When the English got Crecy

Why must you be religious to join the Navy? Because it's a place of war ship.

How do you identify a Vegan, Crossfitter, Navy SEAL, or tranny? Don't worry about it, they will tell you.

Jesus was on a walk in town one day... When he crossed paths with a Roman soldier. Feeling particularly cool, Jesus put his hand up for a hi-five while passing by. The Roman soldier, having ill feelings towards Jesus' teachings and following, simply grunted and ignored Jesus. Jesus was a little disappointed so he then turned around and said, ""Aww come on man, don't leave me hanging!""

The *real* reason Hitler lost the war. He forgot to put speed limits on his highways so the enemy vehicles could drive as fast as they wanted to.

Why are doomsday preppers so good in bed? Everyday news from the front would trickle into our village via fleeing refugees, radio, and telegram. Our army was being beaten from what I could tell, and were in full retreat from the invading Easterners. The Easterners, savage men according to all the adults in my village, and the man in the television. Beings who were rather more beasts than men, beasts that ate babies and burned children alive. My father would tell me stories of these Easterners, s…

King Arthur is heading off to war, but he's a bit worried about Guinevere alone in the castle with some rowdy knights. So he goes to Merlin who shows him a chastity belt. The problem is it has a large hole in the most important spot. ""This won't work,"" he says. Just then Merlin takes a stick and inserts it through the hole. Whap! A blade comes down and cuts the stick in half. ""Perfect,"" he says. After the King returns he lines up all the knights and makes them drop their britches. Everyone i…

On board the U.S. Navy carrier USS George Washington... the air wing was busy with training missions. After talking to a pilot, one air-traffic controller accidently left his microphone on and remarked to a nearby buddy, ""That guy sounded just like Elmer Fudd."" The airwaves got strangely quiet as everyone listened, realizing that the pilot had also heard the comment. After about ten seconds, the pilot broke the silence by announcing, ""Be vewy, vewy quiet. We are hunting submawenes.""

Batman Vs Snyder Ben Affleck : I'm sure Justice League will fare far better than BvS now that I'm here Snyder : In that case, I'm sure it will beat Captain America Civil war in the opening weekend Ben Affleck : Ha ha ha...don't joke Snyder : You started it!

[Discussion] Anyone have any jokes for this situation? Firstly, i'm not exactly sure if i'm allowed to post this type of thread. If i'm not, please redirect me to a subreddit that could possibly help before spewing mindless hatred. A friend of mine has started dating a new girl recently and she's two years younger than him and she's underage. They've already gotten very close, if you catch my drift. Everyone's been roasting him for fun lately and he's been taking it like a champ. I've heard stuf…

Son: ""Dad, did you get shot in the army?"" Dad: ""No, I only got shot in the leggy.""

Captain America Civil War Joke. What's War Machines favorite dance move? The Crawlington

What do you call a practice exercise preparing for the possibility of observing hole-making tools undergoing a military parade? Drill drill drill.

Michigan and Ohio fought a war over Toledo... Michigan won and Ohio has to keep it.

What does the Army call it's Muslim infantry units with vehicles? Mecca-nized infantry.

Three soldiers are in a hot air balloon, riding over a town with a mountain in the distance. As the mountain approaches, the sudden realization hits that they will not clear mountain. In a last-ditch effort, they try to throw out everything they can. The first soldier throws out their weapons, swords and such. Seeing as that wasn't enough, the second soldier throws out their boxes of food rations. Still not enough, the last soldier throws out a bomb, which was critical for their mission, but as …

[Spoilers] Critics asked Stan Lee. . . . . . why Captain America won the war. He simply replied ""Tony Stank""

A guy goes into a military surplus store... ..and asks the owner if he has any camouflage jackets. He says, ""I've got hundreds, but I can't find any of them!""

Which three American Generals won the most during the cold war? General Motors, General Electric, and General Dynamics.

One sunny day in Auschwitz Hitler was standing in front of a big pit. Nervously, in line in front of him, few hundred jews were standing. Hitler would call one by one, and give orders to them... Feet together, spread your arms in 90 angle... As soon as he complied Hitler pushed him in to a pit. Second came, and was given order: Touch your feet with hands. Again, after he complied Hitler pushed him in to a pit. Third had to knee down and put his hands in front of him. And just as he was shouting …

A civilian has taken control of the capital of South Korea... ...he's got Seoul, but he's not a soldier.