Military Jokes

I decided to read War and Peace whilst walking over the Golden-Gate, I'd heard the abridged version was easier to finish.

If there is ever a corn army, I'll join it... ...and I'll be the colonel.

Wheelchair jokes/puns [Request] for bonding My Marine brother broke both of his legs, so he has to use a wheelchair to get around. I have to help him move some stuff from Washington to California, and my payment is being able to relentlessly fry him with wheelchair jokes. I want to see how long it'll take before he can't ""stand"" then anymore. (I'm sorry in advanced, but the cheesier, the better)

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? World War II.

Where do bears store their military weapons? In bearracks.

Your momma's so stupid... ...she asked what army Colonel Sanders was in.

A funny Russian joke that I probably won't translate well Some guy is walking a goose on a leash in the middle of the Red square. A cop walks up to him and says: -You can't walk a goose here. -What's wrong with the goose? There are pigeons all over this place. -The pigon is a symbol of peace. -But neither does my goose want war.

Donald Trump and Ted Cruz are sitting in a bar. The bartender sees them chatting, so he goes over to them and says ""Wow, what an honor to have the two of you here! What are you guys talking about?"" Trump responds with ""We are planning our tactics for World War III."" Curious, the bartender asks ""Really? What're your plans?"" ""We are going to kill 100 million Muslims, and one hot blonde chick with a nice rack"" says Trump. ""Really? Why the blonde chick?"" the bartender replies with. Trump t…

Several years ago, the military upgraded the AR-15 to an AR-18, but quickly abondoned the new weapon. When asked about what happened to the new guns, a general replied, "" They Argon.""

The Canadians are going to help America with the war on Isis. They have pledged 2 of their biggest battle ships, 6000 ground troops and 6 fighter jets. However, after the American exchange rate we ended up with 12 Mounties, 1 canoe, and some flying squirrels.

All these star wars spoilers are alderaan reasons to start a war

Why are fire trucks red? Fire trucks have 12 wheels. There are 12 inches in a ruler. Queen Elizabeth was a ruler. ""Queen Elizabeth"" was also the name of a ship. Ships sail the sea. In the seas are fish, and fish have fins. The Finns fought the Russians in the Winter War. The Russians are sometimes called the Reds, and since fire trucks are always rushin they're red!

What do you call a blonde white guy with blue eyes who is an experienced soldier and who works with sick animals? A veteran Aryan.

TIL Billy Mays served in the US military It wasn't for long though it was only 1999.

I'm surprisingly calm about Internet spoiling Star Wars to me. Who could believe Kylo Ren is actually vegetarian and grandson of General Akbar

What would Valve call the next world war? A Global Offensive.

Not the typical format for a post here, but thought it was worth sharing My grandfather passed away this week, and I'll always remember him for his jokes. He served in the military when he was younger, then raised 3 kids (including my mother). When my mother and my father were dating, he went over to their house just to stop by (he worked not too far away), and he saw my grandmother scratching off a lottery ticket. He asks ""You ever win anything off of those tickets?"", and my grandmother repli…

A retired Marine Chesty, a retired Marine, takes a job at a local hardware store for something to do in his retirement. He's been working there for about a month when his boss notices he's been late every single day. The boss walks over to Chesty and says ""Chesty, you've been late every single day. If you can't make it to work on time tomorrow I'll have to fire you."" The next day Chesty shows up ten minutes late and the boss says ""Chesty like I said yesterday, if you can't make it to work on …

I just read a joke from world war 1 The captain asks for a volunteer to go out in no man's land and retrieve a message that has come with a carrier pigeon. No one volunteers, except foolish Paddy. He says, ""I will go for my country!"". He then climbs up out of the trench, and all you hear after are bullets, grenades, bombs, etc. And everyone thinks Paddy has died. Two hours after Paddy comes back to the trench, and everyone cheers for his safe return. Captain: Did you get the pigeon? Paddy: Yes…

During a war, three soldiers are captured while fighting abroad... The captors have all three soldiers lined up in front of them, and the captors' leader stepped forward, holding a pistol with one hand while the other hand lays on a Bible on the table next to him. ""Before I execute all of you, I shall allow each of you to make one and only one last request. You cannot change it."" Glancing at the Bible, he swore, ""I swear by the name of Lord that your request shall be fulfilled, for we are hon…

A moth goes to the doctor one night... A moth goes to the doctor one night. They sit down in an examination room and the moth says ""Doc, you gotta help me. I just can't sleep at night."" ""You're having trouble falling asleep?"" asks the doctor. ""Not just that. I can't sleep at all. I was hoping you'd be able to give me something. ""We'll see,"" says the doctor. ""How long has this been going on?"" ""For weeks,"" says the moth. ""I've been having nightmares. When I was in the war I saw the mos…

How can you tell what rank a Russian soldier is? Count the stripes on his track pants.

What did Holly Holm say to Ronda Rousey's date to the Marine Corps Ball? I hit that.

A man goes to war and his wife vows to not wash at all untill he returns! Ten years later, he returns and his wife meets him at the airport. After they get in a car the wife asks: ""Whats wrong? You haven't spoken a word since you came"" and the husband replies: ""I'm waiting for you to fart so I can catch some air"" It was pretty funny when I was s kid!

How can you tell someone's a navy seal? they'll tell you in their novel.