Military Jokes

Why did the drill sergeant get a dishonorable discharge? He couldn't keep his hands off his privates

zipper problems When your zipper is open, you can never know if you forgot to close it in the first place or if it opened by itself. This seems to happen quite a bit and below is a story of someone who thought he could spin the situation into his favor. A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, ""Your barracks door is open."" Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man c…

A veteran walks into a bar... ""I can rink the worst rink ou can give me ""he said with his strange accent. The bartender than peed in the toilet than scooped it out and gave it to the veteran. ""Refresin"" said the veteran ""That was pee you know""said the bartender ""Yea, ut in te war, I ost my tongue.""

What did the American Army General say after the first opposing casualty in the Mexican-American War? Juan down, a million more to go.

Chinese and Russian soldier By the river, and on the Russian and Chinese border there was two soldiers standing as posts for some decade years. A Chinese on south side and the Russian on North side. One day the Russian started to make signals to the Chinese. The Chinese was puzzled. The Russian wanted to ask him if he was a paratrooper, so he put his arms high and made a wide arc with his hands, and showed a falling leave. Chinese was not answering. So, the Russian thought, maybe he is with the …

Tommy and his older brother and sister were getting homeschooled together ""So which cities in Japan were targeted by nuclear weapons during World War II?"" Tommy's mom asked, gesturing at one of the older ones to answer. ""So who exactly are you expecting to answer?"" Asked Tommy, looking at his two siblings. ""He or she, ma?""

Doctor, doctor, there's a hairless military strategist on my head! Ah yes, looks like male Patton baldness.

Husband went to the sheriff's department to report that his wife was missing. Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home... Sergeant: What is her height? Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall. Sergeant: Weight? Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat. Sergeant: Color of eyes? Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed. Sergeant: Color of hair? Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can't remember. Ser…

Once, long ago, there were two nation... The nation called Archimedal was in the west, with rich resources and beautiful forests and rivers and mountains. The nation of Newtonia, in the east, was much more industrialized. They had factories and cities, and all their forests had been razed for lumber. They were at war with each. Archimedal wished to learn the industrial techniques of Newtonia, and Newtonia longed to acquire the vast resources of Archimedal. Unfortunately, between the two nations …

In light of Germany's discovery of ISIS using mustard gas: What do you call a soldier who's survived mustard gas and pepper spray? A seasoned veteran.

The New Zealand Military

Germany are welcoming refugees like war heroes because they had never had the chance to welcome the real thing. I'm mean.

2 nuns were returning to the monastery after a night of drinking and partying in the town. While they were crawling under the fence one nun turned to the other and said, ""I feel like a Marine!"" The other nun replied, ""Yeah, I do too. But where are we going to find one at this time of night?""

Why did the twitter army lose all their battles? Because they kept retweeting.

I encountered a courteous, safe driver in a practical vehicle that had a marine corps decal on the rear windshield.

A soldier wakes up one morning... A soldier wakes up one morning and goes down to breakfast. He has tousled hair and deep, dark bags under his eyes. ""How did you sleep, honey?"" his mom asks. ""Like Iraq,"" he answers. ""That's great, sweetie,"" she says without looking up.

A Marine and an Army Soldier are in the bathroom together and they finish their business at the same time, and the Marine walks out the door without washing his hands. The soldier says ""in the Army, they teach us to wash our hands"" The Marine yells ""**in the Marine Corps, they teach us not to piss on our hands**""

Dolphins are the most philosophical of all marine mammals... They send most of their lives searching for a porpoise

Prize coat cherish needs pants The bravery of a soldier, an officer testing his shoulder lyyacank Put the gun was fired shoulder remains standing spahy I said to the officer, and we were pleased with your courage I'll reward your coat on the extreme I cherish the soldier's coat needs pants The officer asked her pants, but why? The soldiers responded with fire because you have corrupted my pants

An elderly woman visiting her Doctor While at the Doctors office she starts talking about how depressed she had been ever since her husband had passed. She asks the Doctor ""if you were going to end it all how would you do it?"" The Doctor puzzled about the question but can see the pain in her weepy eyes. He replies ""oh I don't know, I guess a shotgun to the heart would guaranty the outcome."" The Doctor finishes up the exam and the elderly woman is released by the Nurse. On the way out the eld…

Two Spanish fisherman are boasting about their Biggest catch... my father's favourite joke. Two Spanish fishermen are relaxing in the *puerto*, and begin to relate to each other their best catches. One goes,' the other day, I caught a massive *bacalao* that was at least four metres long' The other fisherman was clearly impressed, and began to relate his story. 'A few days ago, I was fishing and I caught a motorcycle in the net. But that's not all, it was an ancient motorcycle from World War 2, a…

My grandfather had his tongue shot off in the war. We could never get him to talk about it.

France and Italy declare war on each other, who wins? Neither, Italy switches sides and France surrenders, both lose

Buffalo Theory A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. ""In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain c…

A man signs up to join the Israeli Army So a man applies to join the Israeli Army, and is greeted by an inspector who will interview him and run a few tests see if he is fit for the army. The man passes the interview and the tests with flying colors! ""There's only one more test left. Here, take this automatic rifle and go shoot twenty Palestinians and a pigeon"", says the inspector. ""Uhm, alright, but why should I shoot the pigeon?"", says the man. ""Congratulations, you got the job!"", says t…