Military Jokes

A British Soldier and an Australian Soldier are in the trenches of the Somme The British soldier asks the Australian: ""Tell me lad, did you come here to die?"" The Australian says ""Nah mate, I came here yesterdie!""

Old Arabian Guy in New Work An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem: ""Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me. I love you, Your Father."" The following day, the old man receives a respons…

Army Hospital THE ARMY HOSPITAL PreviousNext An army major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks: ""What's your problem, Soldier?"" ""Chronic syphilis, Sir"" ""What treatment are you getting?"" ""Five minutes with the wire brush each day."" ""What's your ambition?"" ""To get back to the front, Sir."" ""Good man."" says the Major. He goes to the next bed. ""What's your problem, Soldier?"" ""Chronic piles, Sir"" ""What treatment are you getting?"" ""Five minutes with the wire b…

why are Americans like women? Because they always turn up late and take all the credit for winning the war

One time a man asked his friend Fetty Wap what time it was... Fetty Wap then checks his phone, and notices that the time is 5:38 pm. Knowing that his friend is accustomed to military time, Fetty tells him, ""Hey man the time is... 17:38.""

An Australian soldier arrives at the front line in WW1 where he meets a British officer. The officer asks ""have come here to die too?"" The soldier replies ""No sir, I came yesterday.""

Ground Control I was a Pan Am 552 Flight Engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich, Germany. I was listening to the radio since I was the junior crew member. This was the conversation I overheard (I don't recall call signs any longer): Lufthansa: (In German) ""Ground, what is our start clearance time?"" Ground: (In English) ""If you want an answer you must speak English."" Lufthansa: (In English) ""I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"" Beautiful En…

Putin is holding a press conference This is Russian joke. Putin is holding a press conference to see what problems in Russia need fixing. An old man walks up to the mic and says ""Mr. President, we are so poor, we cannot afford to eat, every night my wife and I go hungry. Can you fix this?"" Putin says ""I'm sorry, I cannot fix this."" The man continues ""Mr. President, my son is in the Army. Every day I'm worried he'll be killed in Ukraine. Can you fix this?"" Putin says ""I'm sorry, I cannot f…

Remember, freedom isn't free. If you're with the military-industrial complex, it can be incredibly profitable.

A company of men is stationed in Korea Every day, the men gather for morning announcements, which is lead by their captain. ""Alpha company, ATTENTION!"" The captain yells. ""Stevens, I'm sorry, but we received word that your mother has died. That is all."" Later that day, the captain is called into the general's office. ""Listen captain,"" the general says, ""you can't be so blunt when delivering news like that. You have be more gentle about it."" The next week at roll call, more news arrives. …

Bush and Brazilian Casaulties of War So, Donald Rumsfeld is briefing George Bush in the Oval Office. ""Oh and finally, sir, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq today."" Bush goes pale, his jaw hanging open in stunned disbelief. He buries his face in his hands, muttering ""My God...My God"". ""Mr. President,"" says Cheney, ""we lose soldiers all the time, and it's terrible. But I've never seen you so upset. What's the matter?"" Bush looks up and says...""How many is a Brazilian?""

Two friends join the army. (translated) So Mujo and Haso joined the army and they lived in separate floors in the barracks, now, every night the older soldiers came and beat up Mujo who was in the first floor, this continued for a while until Mujo got a clever idea. He went to Haso and asked him if he wanted to switch floors, Haso agreed and Mujo felt relieved since he was now in the second floor, come next evening the soldiers gathered infront of the barracks waiting to go and beat Mujo up yet …

Why does the new new French navy have glass bottomed boats? So they can see the old French navy.

A crippled war veteran was walking down the street... ... and walking towards him was what seemed to be another grizzled man dragging one limp foot across the sidewalk. As they approached closer, the crippled veteran gives the other man a nod of mutual respect and says, ""Vietnam. 40 years back."" The other man replies, ""Dog shit. 40 feet back.""

You think das ist a long time? Obama, Putin and Merkel meet in Hamburg for a private summit, and Merkel decides to break the ice with a nice walk around the lake (Alster). Obama, admiring the foliage, says ""you know, in the States, we have forests so vast, that some military training exercises last as long as 2 years."" Putin replies, ""Ah yes, but Comrade, the vastness and beauty of the Siberian wilderness is such that our soldiers don't leave for 4 years!"" Merkel, being the peace-keeper betw…

I've been studying Israeli army martial arts. I now know 16 different ways to kick a Palestinian woman in the back.

I hear U.S military bases in the Middle East party hard. The soldiers there are always taking shots.

The cave of dreams Three friends grew up together in Seattle their names were Mike, Steve, and Davonte. As children the boys had an odd friend in the homeless gentleman that lived in there neighborhood. They used to tell their parents they were going to an arcade, and head down to the park instead. There they would give thean some change and he would tell them stories about ""The cave of dreams"" and it's endless treasure. When it came time for the boys to venture out into the world they made on…

War Chat What did one militia say to the other militia? I'll siege you later! (Sorry, but I had to post something original, I created an account!)

Ever heard the song Coldplay wrote about the American Civil War? It goes: ""When you try your best, but you don't secede"".

Every war the Chinese have ever lost... was because of chinks in their armor.

If Chile and Turkey had a war... Would that be a recipe for disaster? Would Greece get involved?

So I ordered some General Pao chicken They gave me a bowl of false promises.

Potato Launcher! This is a great prank to pull at school on your fam haters. Not only will it make a funny sight, but it will also screw up their engine. If you want to be extra evil and want to start a war just pour gas in their engine

Landmine A recently recruited soldier approaches his training officer and asks him: -Sir, I have a question. What do I do if I step on a landmine? -Well, son, the standard procedure in this case would be to rise about 20 feet into the air and then spread around a large territory.