Military Jokes

A sailor, an Airman, and a Soldier die and go to Heaven.... They arrive at the pearly gates and begin arguing amongst themselves about who should be allowed in to Heaven and who shouldn't. The Navy man says ""If we didn't give you guys a ride, you would have never gotten anywhere. I should get in."" The Airman says ""If we hadn't carpet bombed the beaches, the soldiers would have been slaughtered. I should get in."" The Army soldier argues ""If we had not stormed the beach, engaged the enemy and…

Two veterans, a soldier and a marine, were boasting about their past conquests. ""When I was in the army, I had hundreds of women, wherever I was stationed. We soldiers are real men."" ""Bullshit,"" replied the marine. ""I bet I slept with far more women than you. Ladies love marines."" ""Okay, hotshot, when did you last sleep with a woman?"" demanded the soldier. ""About twenty-ten,"" replied the marine. ""Hah! You call that being a ladies' man?"", said the soldier. The marine looked at his wat…

What task was assigned to the last electron to join the military? Survalence

Yo mama so stupid that..... she tried to stop the cold war with a heater.

Bush and Powell are planning World War 3... Bush and Powell were sitting in a bar. A guy walked in and asked the barman, ""Isn't that Bush and Powell?"" The barman said, ""Yep, that's them."" So the guy walked over and said, ""Hello. What are you guys doing?"" Bush said, ""We're planning World War III."" The guy asked, ""Really? What's going to happen?"" Bush said, ""Well, we're going to kill 10 million Afghans and one bicycle repairman."" The guy exclaimed, ""Why are you gonna kill a bicycle re…

Definition of ""copulate""...... What an Italian police sergeant says to a tardy patrolman.

World War II jokes aren't funny... Anne Frank-ly I don't care for them.

Did you hear the one about the American military aviation enthusiast who bought himself a French fighter plane? He was arrested for possession of an Assault Rafale.

A Navy Yeoman screws up a message One of the guys got a message from his wife that changed a bit when the Yeoman transcribed it: She sent: ""Not getting any better, hurry home."" He got: ""Not getting any, better hurry home.""

What is a sandwich on a ship? A sub-marine

Marvel is making a ""Winter Soldier"" standalone film and I get to play his roly poly sidekick. They call me...the ""Summer Sausage""

A Bulgarian, French and US soldier died and went to hell. The devil was in a good mood so he offered them a deal: > I have two simple task for you. If you pass them I will let you go to heaven, if not - eternal damnation. Having no other option, the soldiers agreed. > For the first task go away and bring back the weapon you defended your country with. So the soldiers did. The Bulgarian came back with a small gun and the French with a bazooka. > For the second task - shove them up your a…

Barrels A new recruit is being shown around the aircraft carrier by the general and at the end of the tour he says, ""This all seems nice, but what do we do about the no women situation?"" The general smiles and says, ""Oh I see what you mean, there's a barrel over there with a hole in it, go try it out."" The recruit goes to the barrel and the general returns to his daily chores and about an hour later, the recruit and general meet back up and the recruit says,""Sir, that felt great, better tha…

So Putin and Erdogan walk into a bar. Sorry, a war.

""What's your ambition?"" An army major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks: ""What's your problem, Soldier?"" ""Chronic syphilis, Sir"" ""What treatment are you getting?"" ""Five minutes with the wire brush each day."" ""What's your ambition?"" ""To get back to the front, Sir."" ""Good man."" says the Major. He goes to the next bed. ""What's your problem, Soldier?"" ""Chronic piles, Sir"" ""What treatment are you getting?"" ""Five minutes with the wire brush each day."" ""…

Grandpa telling war stories Grandpa tells his grandson war stories. ""Once we got surrounded by Germans from all sides, there was shooting, we were lying down helpless, scared, bullets flying above our heads, and... and..."" ""And what grandpa?"" ""Uh... Can't tell you son"" ""Please grandpa, tell me!"" ""Well, if you must know, I shit myself"" ""Oh, grandpa, but of course you did. It's understandable. It must be frightening, anybody in right mind would be scared..."" ""No, no, I shit myself rig…

Why hasn't Beetle Bailey retired from the Army yet?

Stalin's General Assembly Stalin reads his report to the Party Congress. Suddenly someone sneezes. ""Who sneezed?"" Silence. ""First row! On your feet! Shoot them!"" They are shot, and he asks again, ""Who sneezed, Comrades?"" No answer. ""Second row! On your feet! Shoot them!"" They are shot too. ""Well, who sneezed?"" At last a sobbing cry resounds in the Congress Hall, ""It was me! Me!"" Stalin looks at them and says, ""Bless you, Comrade!

""GOOD IDEA"" Having passed the enlistment physical, Jon was asked by the doctor, ""Why do you want to join the Navy, son?"" ""My father said it'd be a good idea, sir."" he replied ""Oh? And what does your father do?"" asked the doctor The recruit responded ""He's in the Army, sir.""

The Three Richest Men... The richest man is being attacked for his wealth, so he must build gates around his property. The second richest man doesn't eat any of his food, so he can slim down. The third richest man is the heir to the first two richest men. The richest man's house is invaded, and he is killed. The second richest man dies from starvation. This leaves the third richest man with a war and buffet.

So hacker group Anonymous declared war on ISIS. Probably the closest ISIS will get to 72 virgins.

Anonymous declared war on ISIS! They'll never know what hit em...

Anonymous now declared war on ISIS... It's now a hacking contest.

So, Anonymous has declared war on ISIS ... ironic that 72 virgins are now attacking the terrorists EDIT: Almost 4 years on Reddit and I m finally a faget! Yay!! EDIT2: Wow, thanks u/lordzxil for the gold!

What does a chauvinistic doctor use as a general term for women with high cholesterol? A Broad Stroke...