Military Jokes

What did the bee call his military mission? ""Operation pollination""

The ""war"" on drugs. The phone rings at FBI headquarters. ""Hello? I'm calling to report my neighbor, Clifford. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!"" ""Thank you very much for the call, sir."" The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave. The phone rings at the neighbors house. Hey, Clifford, did the FBI come?"" ""Yep.…

A joke/story about the Berlin Airlift So last year when I was taking AP US History we got to talking about the Cold War and the Berlin Airlift, which, if you didn't know, was when American/Allied forces dropped supplies into and evacuated East Berlin, which was under Soviet control. Now, it's worth noting that my teacher encouraged students to make puns off of the content, and actually had competitions between the class periods on who could get the most puns. Now as she was lecturing one kid, we…

I was talking to my friend william the other day I was having a drink with my friend william the other day and he says ""Dude, I just joined the army and it's nice but I don't like the instructors"" ""Why is that?"" ""We were doing target practice and he keeps screaming **FIRE AT WILL!**""

He F***ing hated school A mother repeatedly called upstairs for her son to get up, get dressed and get ready for school. It was a familiar routine, especially at exam time. ""I feel sick,"" said the voice from the bedroom. ""You are not sick. Get up and get ready,"" called the mother, walking up the stairs and hovering outside the bedroom door. ""I hate school and I'm not going,"" said the voice from the bedroom, ""I'm always getting things wrong, making mistakes and getting told off. Nobody lik…

Why did the army's craftsman enact a ""Don't Ask, Don't Tell"" Policy? He didn't want any glaze in the military

Little joke I thought up Step 1. Buy a pair of jeans. Just one perfect fitting pair. Mine are black, but very dark blue works too. Step 2. Wear the jeans around and buy matching shoes and/or boots depending on climate. Step 3. Buy some mid-price t-shirts that you think you look great in. The right width and length for your body type. Step 4. Go into club Monoco and/or J Crew and get fitted for some Oxford cotton button downs. One in white. One in blue. Make sure it fits. Pick up a white dress sh…

TIL of an incident during the Cold War when American ships, fearing a Soviet attack, nearly fired on a friendly vessel. Whoops, wrong sub.

The men who fought in the Revolutionary War were very brave. They would take turns standing there shooting at each other... ...and that takes balls.

International Businessmen A Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim and a Jew were discussing business during a dinner. Catholic: ""I have a large fortune... I am going to buy CITIBANK!"" Protestant: ""I am very wealthy and will buy GENERAL MOTORS!"" Muslim: ""I am a fabulously rich prince... I intend to purchase SABIC*!"" They then all wait for the Jew to speak... The Jew stirs his coffee, places the spoon neatly on the table, takes a sip of his coffee, looks at them and casually says: ""I'M NOT SELLI…

A member of the Army Corps of Engineers was working on the design of the bottom of an android ""What exactly is going on?"", I asked. He replied, ""A Major engineering feet.""

As 1000 year old necromancers, my wife and I have debated a lot. Like with the war in the middle east, she thinks it's justified, but then I bring up the dead.

Alan and Mary lived on a cove at Gull Lake, Alberta, Canada. It was early winter and the lower portion of the cove had frozen over. Alan asked Mary if she would walk across the frozen part of the cove to the general store and get him some smokes and beer. She asked him for some money, but he told her, ""Nah, just put it on our tab. Old man Stacey won't mind."" So Mary, being the good wife she was, walked across the ice, got the smokes and beer at the store and then walked back home across the co…

I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem.

Not sure if this qualifies as a joke, but.... I'm sitting out on my front porch watching two groups of boys, ages 8-10 or so, arguing about who was tougher, badder, etc. One of them pipes up with "" My Dad is a soldier, and he could beat your Dad's ass!"" The other boy, a bit younger, replies ""Nuh-uh. Just because he's a soldier doesn't make him bullet-proof!"" The first boy just sort of stood there, not seeming to know what to say back. Talk about escalating quickly. I was still chuckling abou…

What is a pirate's favorite letter A letter of marque and reprisal, which granted treatment as a prisoner of war if captured, provided the former pirate turn over a proportion of his prizes to the issuing government. Used as a convenient way for otherwise underprepared belligerent nations to expand their navies in times of war, letters of marque and reprisal were finally renounced in 1856, long after the golden age of piracy.

Why Donald Trump will win the primary but loose the general election? He can push through the Bushes but cannot climb a **Hill**ary.

[NSFWish] A boy was walking along the docks one day and came across a pirate ship... He looked up and admired, in complete amazement, the beauty of the massive ship with all of the details and marks of a real life pirate ship. As if this wasn't enough, the boy then noticed a man sitting by the ship with a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over his eye. He went up to the man and asked, teeming with excitement, ""Excuse me sir, but is this your ship!?"" The old man replied, ""Why yes me boy,…

Puns I have constructed in the past few days. I'm gonna go to the dentist again. I just couldn't get my filling! I told a cube to start rolling. Basically, I told it to die. A chemist joined a bike race. I think the race was called, ""Torr de France"" Our ships had to be downgraded, so the General Quarters became the General Nickels. I've never met a serious game designer, they're all too busy making fun of things. A mathematician ties a hemp rope and throws it up a tree. He called it a hypotenu…

Donald Trump and a Mexican find a genie's lamp They rub the lamp and the genie that appears tells them they can have three wishes, two for the person who found the lamp and one for his companion. Trump, of course, claims that he found the lamp and proceeds to make his wishes. Trump: First, I want all Mexicans kicked out of the United States. Every single one. Genie: It is done. Trump: And secondly, I want a wall all the way around the United States. 200 feet tall and made of concrete. On the bor…

Pheidippides just doesn't have the same ring to it. When Pheidippides, the soldier who ran 26.2 miles to the city of Marathon to announce the defeat of the Persians to the Athenians, found out the long-distance races were going to be called Marathons, he was a little upset... But he ran with it.

My daughter just walked into the living room and said ""Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop. Please take all of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house."" ... Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my brothe…

My friend William joined the army He is uncomfortable with the phrase ""Fire at Will""

Sergeant to Troops A well-seasoned Army Sergeant received a brief phone call, then had his troops line up and barked, ""All right, all of you whose mother isn't dead take one step forward . . . uh, not so fast there, Private Smith!""

Chronlogical necessities Stone age: food. Antique era: food and glory. Roman era: glory and aggression. Middle ages: Agrression and food. Reneiscance: better ways for everything before. Industrialization era: even better ways for everything before. Post-war: holy shit we need maximum efficiency! Modern days: internet. How far have we gone.