Military Jokes

A Racist, a viciously jealous wife and a socialist walk into a room... Welcome to the US General election debate!

A marine and a navy man are in the bathroom. They are both taking a piss at the urinal. Both men finish at the same time. The man in the navy goes to the sink, and the marine heads to the bathroom exit. The navy man speaks up to the marine and says ""you know, in the navy they teach us to wash our hands after taking a piss."" The marine stops at the exit, and responds ""oh yeah? Well in the marines they teach us to not piss on our hands.""

Whats the difference between men in the Military and Cops Military only beat their wives part of the year.

Old Soldier Old George was at our favorite saloon drinking with the guys. He had had more than a few and got to talking about his time as a soldier, which he never had before. ""You know,"" Old George was saying, ""when I was in the Infantry in Nam I was a fearsome soldier. There was one time I killed 17 NVA with one bullet....No gun, just one bullet. Once I threw a grenade and it killed 19 VC....before it exploded and killed 10 more.... Another time I was crawling around in the jungle at night …

Brilliant puns 1. A man who wants a pretty nurse, must be patient. 2. A man who leaps off a cliff, jumps to conclusion. 3. A man who runs in front of a car, gets tired; man who runs behind a car, gets exhausted. 4. War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left. 5. A man who drives like hell, is bound to get there. 6. A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a tiger wood!

he hates going to school A mother repeatedly called upstairs for her son to get up, get dressed and get ready for school. It was a familiar routine, especially at exam time. ""I feel sick,"" said the voice from the bedroom. ""You are not sick. Get up and get ready,"" called the mother, walking up the stairs and hovering outside the bedroom door. ""I hate school and I'm not going,"" said the voice from the bedroom, ""I'm always getting things wrong, making mistakes and getting told off. Nobody li…

What did you do in the war? USSR, september, 1945. A teacher asks his class what were they doing during the war. Little Masha said she was helping nurses in a hospital, little Boris says he worked in a factory. Little Vova said he was helping artillerists by bringing them shells. Amazed, the teacher asks if the soldiers ever said anything to him. -Yes, they would smile and say ""zer gut, Voldemar!""

In class room . Russia , after the war . Russia , 1951 . school teacher asked the children. Who were your fathers ? the first boy said, "" driver "" , the second ""The Postman ."" I ask a question about the third . He said, "" electrician. He was wearing a helmet and helmet were two lightning . (P.s - sorry for my english :) )

Did you know that more black men died in Vietnam than white men? It's all because when their sergeant would yell get down they would all start dancing.

TIFU by not reading War and Peace. This wasn't today, this was ever. That book is way too long. I didn't read it. TL:DR Too Long. Didn't Read.

North Korea declares war.

So, Slovakia is declaring war to China... And there is diplomats' meeting held before start. China's diplomat is asking things like: ""Slovakia? Where it even is? And how big are you? How many are there of you?"", on which Slovakian diplomat proudly answers: ""Four and half million"". China's diplomat smiles and says: ""There's 2 billion of us!"" The Slovakian diplomat looks bit startled: ""Damn..."", then makes long pause, ""where the hell are we supposed to bury all of you, guys?""

A Drill Sergeant is instructing rookies. 'Soldiers, whatever happens, whether you're hungry, whether you're thirsty, whether you need the loo, you hold until I tell you to stop. Understood?' 'But sir, a rookie asks, are you sure we will fit on this short pipe!?'

Got any corn? (Best told as a late drunken joke) A duck walked into a general store and asked the clerk if ""had any corn?"" The clerk said ""no"" and the duck left. The next day, the same duck walked into the same general store and asked the same clerk ""if had any corn?"" The clerk again said ""no"" and the duck left. The next day, the same duck walked into the same general store but before he could ask his question, the same clerk yelled, ""Look duck! We don't have any corn! We won't have any…

In the 1945-6 Nuremberg Trials what should have been the opening statement from the defence counsel representing the Nazi War criminals? 'If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.'

Attack or Retreat? A large defense contractor finally succeeded in building a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem. Military leaders assembled in front of the new machine and were instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it. They described a hypothetical situation to the computer and then asked the pivotal question, ""Attack or retreat?"" The computer hummed away for an hour and then came up with the answer, ""Yes."" The generals looked at each other, stupefied. F…

Umgawala! The British came to America wanting to colonize the land some years after it had been discovered by Colombus. With the help of a translator the british ambassador made a speech to the general populous telling them how amazing things would be under the British rule. ""We will make roads for you"" he said, and people shouted ""Umgawala Umgawala"" pumped by the enthusiastic response he said ""We will provide the best education for all"" and once again ""Umgawala"". ""We will provide clean…

My grandad fought in the war, he was posted to germany. He was Missing In Action for weeks, because the army couldn't afford recorded post.

I told the insect I knew he used to be part of an elite military unit he was exuberant

A World War II joke What was the German Shepard's defense at his Nuremberg trial? ""I was just following odors.""

What did the Marine Biologist say when he saw two eels making love? ""It's a Moray.""

A quote from a World War II Veteran: Suppose you are separated from your unit and wander to safety. You spot a troop in the distance but do not know where they are from. Fire a stray bullet in their direction and see how they react. If they respond with precise rifle fire, they are British. If they use a frenzy of machine gun fire, they are German. If they throw their weapons on the ground and surrender, they are German. If they try running away, they are Italian. If they notice you are alone an…

A SEAL and his Sculpture There was a Navy SEAL living undercover in the depths of Eastern Russia where they regularly hold ice sculpting competitions. He had been there for a while and was longing to liven up his stay there so he decided to enter the next one. There was a shop in town that he could buy sculpting supplies from and the guys in command had given him a few days before his next assignment, so he rode in on his trusty mule and came back with all of the chisels and saws he needed. That…

A soldier is at the bar when his buddy walks in. The buddy, surprised to see him, asks... Buddy: Hey how did you escape Iraq? Soldier: Iran.

A guy and a blind german? He takes a long swig and when he approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun. A pig walks into a pharmacy and asks the clerk for a file. He began to tell his dad that he had told his wife what happened. The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do until he saw a war-zone scene in the bar.