Military Jokes

Even the best men in the Chinese military Have chinks in their armor

Got trapped in a bidding war for a house with a lengthy corridor I'm in it for the long hall

a peaceful man was so opposed to war that he upon reading his draft notice he passed out and remained comatose for the duration of the war he was an unconscientious objector

TIL that Harriet Tubman sought a monthly pension of $25 a month for services in the civil war ,but was only awarded $20. 100+ years later we're still only giving her a $20.

A soldier ran up to a nun, Out of breath he asked, ""Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."" The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police officer ran up and asked, ""Sister, have you seen a soldier?"" The nun replied, ""He went that way."" After the Military Police officers ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to war to Iraq . The nun said, ""I understand completely."" The soldier ad…

Ronald Reagan, Bill Clinton, and Donald Trump go to heaven. They are called before God's throne. ""Who are you, and what good did you do on earth?"", God asks Reagan. ""I am Ronald Reagan, oh Lord, and I won the Cold War"", Reagan answers. ""Very well"", God says, ""Take the seat to my right."" He then turns to Clinton and asks him the same question. ""I am Bill Clinton, oh Lord, and I balanced the budget"", Clinton answers. ""Very well"", God says, ""Take the seat to my left."" He then turns to…

What was the General's answer... to the President's inquiry, as to what military division has been most under appreciated during his term? ""Tanks, Obama.""

Atilla and his army stood before the great wall and the rows of archers manning it... His generals pleaded him not to charge into such unfavorable odds, warning him that such an attack would lead to countless casualties if not total defeat. Atilla turned to look at each of his most trusted and loyal commanders. With a smile on his face he fearlessly said to them. Do not worry my friends, it's nothing we can't hundle.

An Englishman, an Irishman & a Scotsman get captured by Iraqis during the first gulf war... They get taken to an Iraqi military base in the middle of the desert. Saddam Hussein himself is there, and explains to them that they're at a secret location the allies don't know about so there's no chance of a rescue but they're only 50 miles from the Kuwait border. He says they're welcome to use any of the vehicles & equipment on the base to escape to Kuwait, and if they make it to the border t…

What military branch has the largest biceps? The Army.

Switzerland declares war on China. The Chinese President is informed by one of his aides that Switzerland has declared war on them. The president calmly asks: ""What's the population of Switzerland?"", the aide replies: ""8 million, sir"", and so the president says: ""Alright, which hotel will they be staying at?"".

Marines Lock a Marine in a room with 4 bowling balls. He'll lose one, break one, and one will be on fire. The other one is pregnant.

A french, an english and a german general are talking about submarine technology The French general tells them their submarines can stay underwater for three days. The British says theirs can stay submerged for 180 days Suddenly a submarine comes up. A man comes out and shouts: ""SIEG HEIL. Wir brauchen Sprit!""

Why are there no guys named William serving in the army? Because they dislike the phrase ""Fire at Will""

A Space Marine walks into a bar. He says to the grizzled, portly barkeeper, ""Bring me two beers."" Seeing that he is alone, the barkeep asks him 'Why two?' The Space Marine chuckles and replies, ""Simple, my friend. One for me, and one FOR THE EMPEROR!""

The Cushmaker On Johnny's first day of school, Ms. Patrick assigned the kids to start learning their ABCs. Johnny calmly refused to participate. The teacher let it go for a bit, but then had to take him aside. ""You're going to have to do the work like everyone else, Johnny."" ""Nope."" ""Well how are you going to learn to read and write? You need to learn these things to get a job someday."" ""Don't need it,"" He replied ""I'll be a cushmaker when I grow up."" Ms. Patrick didn't want to admit t…

What did General Custer's advisors tell him before the Battle of Little Bighorn? Don't do it, it's Siouxicide

What is the most useful thing in the French Army? A rearview mirror, so that they can see the war!

My grandfather came back from the war... ...with a single arm. To this day, we still have no idea whose it is

What was the main difference between the war in Vietnam and the war in Iraq? George Bush had a plan to get out of Vietnam.

Soldier, do you have change for a dollar? Officer in a Hummer H1 stop next to a Soldier in a Wrangler: Officer : ""Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"" Soldier: ""Sure, buddy."" Officer: ""That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again! Do you have change for a dollar?"" Soldier: ""No, SIR!""

TIL that French military units do not fly the French flag. They use a white flag instead.

An American soldier, serving in World War II had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, ""Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"" The En…

Bush and Powell sit in a bar The barman approaches them and asks: 'Hello boys, what are you doing here?' 'We're planning the Third World War.' 'Yeah? And what's the plan?' 'We'll kill 30 million Afghans, and a mailman.' 'A mailman? Why do you wanna kill a mailman?' To which Bush turns towards Powell with a sly smile. 'See? Told you nobody would care about the 30 million Afghans!'

A big-city lawyer was represen... A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher claimed that the bull must have been hit by the train, and wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. As soon as the rancher showed up, the attorney for the railroad pull…