Military Jokes

Eevee A de-evolving Eevee came across a war between the two factions of Eevees: the Flareons, Vaporeons, Jolteons, and Sylveons, and the Umbreons, Espeons, Glaceons, and Leafeons. Deciding to play both sides, the Eevee snuck into one camp as a Fire type, and managed to gather some information about their tactics. He then crossed over, disguised as a Psychic type, and sold them the intel while gathering more of his own. However, upon return as a Flareon, he was summarily executed on charges of Es…

How do you know if someone was in the military? Don't worry, they'll let you know.

A Harley Biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings the girl to her terrified parents, who thank …

Sir, I pulled over a VIP and I'm not sure what to do. When the Pope was visiting Philadelphia, PA this past year there was an incident that did not get any coverage in the news. The Pope after leaving the church went to his limosuine and was feeling a bit impulsive and decided he wanted to drive. So he asked the limo driver if he could drive, the driver decided he had to give the Pope want he want so he got out of the driver seat and into the back and the Pope got into the driver seat and took o…

Once there was a man named Al. Al was happy in many ways. However, he soon took to cards for a bit of thrill in his life. He never cheated, despite his opponents doing so. Al decided he was happy. In time, Al began to grow tired of playing with cheaters. He began to go to the pub every night, until he found the love of his life, Allie, who was from Love, Mississippi. He came home with her, and was happy. Soon, Al began to wonder why Allie always left him alone at night, and one night he decided …

A ventriloquist does a show A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ""I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep wo…

An old Jewish man is walking along the beach when he stumbles upon a magic lamp He picks it up, rubs it, and--sure enough--a genie pops out. The genie says to the old man, ""I will grant you anything you want."" The old man pulls a map out of his back pocket and points to the Middle East. ""You see this? I would like peace in the Middle East between Israelis and Palestinians."" The genie looks at the map and says to the man, ""I've been stuck in a lamp for centuries; you expect me to pull that o…

[JOKE REQUEST] Edison, Tesla and Einstein walk into a bar... Not sure if this is the right sub for this, but I'm shooting a short film in the next 3 weeks and the script calls for a joke about Edison and Tesla to make a scene work. Problem is: I can't find a SINGLE one. You would think with all the tension swirling around Edison and Tesla via ""The War of Currents"" that there would be a few good ones. That being said... does anyone know any Edison/Tesla jokes? I'm having a strangely hard time w…

Thor is riding on the back of his mighty war horse. He shouts ""I AM THOR! I AM THOR!"" His horse replies: ""That's because you forgot your thaddle thilly!""

The legend of the three kingdoms There were three kingdoms, each bordering on the same lake. For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all. The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as their squires polished armor, cooked food, and sharpened weapons. The second kingdom was not so wealthy, and se…

My cousin, who's a karate expert, joined the Army. First time he saluted he nearly killed himself.

Captain Jokes Captain: A navy captain is alerted by his First Mate that there is a pirate ship coming towards his position. He asks a sailor to get him his red shirt. The captain was asked, ""Why do you need a red shirt?"" The Captain replies, ""So that when I bleed, you guys don't notice and aren's discouraged."" They fight off the pirates eventually. The very next day, the Captain is alerted that 50 pirate ships are coming towards their boat. He yells, ""Get me my brown pants!""

What did the cop do when his Sergeant did not grant him the vacation he requested? Shot a black man.

I used to work for a mad scientist He was a real visionary, or so I thought at the time. Eccentric, yet fiercely intelligent. His work was on genetically enhancing marine mammals, especially dolphins. We were making them stronger, faster and above all *smarter*-and after all its well known that dolphins are already very intelligent. The idea was that they could help coast guards save people. For perhaps a year I was simply happy to be working alongside such a brilliant man for the good of humani…

Two military men walk into a bathroom... One from the Army. One from the Marines. They both go pee, and finish around the same time. But only the Marine goes to the sink to wash his hands. Just before the Army guy left, the Marine stopped him and said: ""Hey, aren't you going to wash your hands? In the Marines, we were taught to wash our hands after pissing."" The Army guy laughed, ""Well, in the Army, we were taught not to piss on ours."" Then, he left. (a favorite joke from my Uncle (Army - MS…

What do you call an army of gorilla soldiers? Boko Harambe.

BUSINESS IS BUSINESS A young Jewish boy starts attending public school in a small town. The teacher of the one-room school decides to use her position to try to influence the new student. She asks the class, ""Who was the greatest man that ever lived?""A girl raises her hand and says, ""I think George Washington was the greatest man that ever lived because he is the Father of our country."" The teacher replies, ""Well...that's a good answer, but that's not the answer I am looking for.""Another y…

Jesus on the cross Jesus Christ is nailed to the cross and the disciples are gathered around, crying. Jesus calls to Peter, ""Peter, come here!"" Peter goes over to the cross, only to be hit by the roman guards. He stands up and wants to return to the other disciples and Jesus calls to him again. ""Peter, come here!"" So, again Peter tries to climb the cross to get to his lord, when the roman soldier draws his sword and says if Peter comes back they will but his arms and legs off. Peter is getti…

A marine biologist in Virginia fell afoul of the law over his dolphins. It seems that all he was able to procure were female dolphins. Without males their interest in participating in the experiments waned. Desperate to satisfy his dolphins, he tried to see if any humans could satisfy their needs, but he was limited by morals clauses prohibiting what was in effect bestiality. Unable to find any men in the great state of Virginia to fill this duty (UVA being on break) he was forced to use a somew…

From the Cold War archives In the 1950s, when Cold War tensions were at their height, the Soviet Red Army unexpectedly placed an order with the U.S. Defense Department's procurement office. The order asked for five million boxes of twelve-inch long condoms. The unusual request was sent up the chain to the Joint Chiefs of Staff, where it was heatedly discussed. Finally, a decision was passed back down to the procurement office. ""Fill the order, but stamp all the boxes 'Medium'"".

I went to an 'Army Style training day'... I don't feel any fitter but my boots and bed look immaculate.

Why was the army recruiter in the nursery? To find more people for the infantry! I'm sorry.

Gabe Newell should be the World President He will prevent World War 3.

Stone and Stone - Breaker A very strict officer was talking to some new soldiers whom he had to train. He had never seen them before, so he began: ""My name is Stone, and I'm even harder than stone, so do what I tell you or there'll be trouble. Don't try any tricks with me, and then we'll get on well together."" Then he went to each soldier one after the other and asked him his name. ""Speak loudly so that everyone can hear you clearly,"" he said, and don't forget to call me ""sir"". Each soldie…

Tom went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. ""You'll get your chance in court."" said the Desk Sergeant. ""No, no no!"" said Tom. ""I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!""