Military Jokes

How Not TO Feel ""Bad"" I Think I want my last word's to read as follows: How Not To Feel ""BAD"". I was in dollar General the other day, and acquired a lighter: With the tellers back turned:She didn't see: I didn't Get caught: The manager didn't know: I didn't Feel bad. I was already on my way up to the bank with my tax return's. I Forgot one, Dollar General. Really, If I decided too skip that return I wold have acquired matches from the Indian shop.

An English battleship is sailing... near Ireland and receives a message: Irish: ""SHIP, CHANGE COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH TO AVOID COLLISION"" British: ""NEGATIVE, YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES SOUTH TO AVOID COLLISION"" Irish: ""NEGATIVE, CHANGE COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH TO AVOID COLLISION"" British: ""NEGATIVE. WE ARE A BATTLESHIP THAT IS A PART OF THE ROYAL NAVY, WE ARE BACKED BY 5 DESTROYERS, 4 ADDITIONAL BATTLESHIPS, AND 2 AIRCRAFT CARRIERS."" Irish: ""WE ARE A LIGHTHOUSE. YOUR DECISION""

Germany and Russia joint up to invade Poland... At the start of the battle a lone sniper is able to sneak his way behind enemy lines, so far behind in fact that he manages to get a clear shot of the Russian general in charge of the invasion and the German lieutenant that works as his assistant. Knowing the repercussions of this moment, it becomes irritably apparent to the sniper whom he's to shoot first, and so he does. Days later when the Polish sniper is cough trying to escape the area, after …

A Russian military unit receives sad news One day, a Russian military unit receives news that Pvt. Pavlov's parents had died. The unit decides to break the news to Pavlov as delicately as possible. The next day, the officer of the unit rounds up the men and then says: ""All who have parents, step forward! ...Pvt. Pavlov, where are you going?!"".

A mate of mine works as a deep sea marine biologist... A mate of mine works as a deep sea marine biologist. While he's working down at the ocean floor, he likes to pass the time making up really terrible jokes. He said I should come join him sometime, but I don't want to sink to his level.

Animals missing legs. What do you call a dog with no legs? It Doesn't matter, it is not going to come anyways. What do you do with a dog with no legs? Take him for a drag. What do you call a cat with no legs? General Tso's chicken What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef What do you call a cow with no front legs? Lean beef

2 beat cops call the crime branch on phone Hello! Crime branch? Yes. This is sergeant John. We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean. Have you arrested the woman? No Sir! The floor is still wet!

The Americans are aiding Ukraine in their war against Russia. Their new, revolutionary strategy is to clog the Russians arteries. They call it *Operation* *Dunkin'* *Donetsk*.

A Chinese General dies in battle... And ascends to the afterlife. There The General meets the Gatekeeper of Heaven, who needs to test him to prove that he's worthy of passing on. The Gatekeeper, without looking up from his ledger, says ""I'm gonna need to know who you were and what you did in life."" The General was taken aback. ""Why, I was revered across the land as a great warrior and leader of the people! I was known as the Saint of War, and some even referred to me as a god!"" The Gatekeepe…

What do you get if you cross an illiterate african american with an illegal hispanic immigrant looking for a green card? A U.S soldier.

The prisoners During WWI, a german soldier sits in his trench, minding his own business, when he hears a voice from the trench next to him: ""Franz, come quickly! I took 10 frenchmen as prisoners!"" ""That's great, bring them over in my trench!"" I can't! They won't let me go!""

My Grandpa got his tongue shot off in the war... But He never talks about it.

A Marine and an Ensign take a piss They finish around the same time. The Marine goes to the sink, but the Ensign heads for the door. ""Hey, you,"" the Marine says, ""You went through four years at the Naval Academy and they never taught you to wash your hands?"" The Ensign replies, ""You went through six years of high school and never learned to piss without getting it on your hands?""

Late Returning The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily. ""Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."" The General was very skeptical about this explanation, but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the General …

make love, not war 1) In the 60s, they made love, not war. I'm married. I make both.

My dad's better than your dad... Three kids are in an agruement about who's dad is better. ""My dad's a fireman"" said Billy. ""My dad's a marine!"" said Johnny. ""My dad's invisible."" said Brian.

What do you call an injured Confederate soldier that can't find a medic? A rebel without a gauze.

Paratrooper... A young man joined the army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to tell his father the news. 'So, did you jump?' asked the father. ""Well, let me tell you what happened,"" the son said. ""We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men go…

A man visits a priest for confession... An elderly man in Germany walks into a confessional box after feeling the urge that he needed to confess. Man: Forgive me father, for I have sinned. During the great war I hid a Jewish refugee in my attic. Priest: Well, that's not a sin my son, but rather a heroic act of great compassion and daring. Man: But I made him agree to pay me 20 marks for each week he stayed. Priest: I must admit, that wasn't a great decision, but I am sure you did it for a good c…

An old man and a preacher are playing golf one day. An old man and a preacher are playing golf one day, when the old man hits his ball into a creek. ""Shit, I missed,"" he says. ""You really shouldn't talk like that,"" the preacher responds, ""God is always watching."" The old man apologizes and the two continue their game. A few holes later, the man gets his ball stuck in a tree. ""Shit, I missed."" ""Sir, God does *not* tolerate potty-mouths like that."" ""Preacher,"" the old man responds, ""I…

The lords army. Chad: My brother, why don't you join the lords army? Bob: I'm already their. Chad: I don't see you on Sundays... Bob: I'm in the secret service.

A Ukrainian playwright has written two comedic satires of the current war. 1. Crimea River and 2. Donetsk, Don't Tell

What do you call an empty field? The french army at the beginning of a war!

Soldier Smith! I did not see you at camouflage training yesterday! -Sir, Thank you very much, Sir!

Two Police Officers out on a beat [NSFW] Police officers George and Mary, had been assigned to walk the beat. They had only been out a short while when Mary said, ""Damn, I was running late this morning after my workout and after I showered, I forgot to put on my panties! We have to go back to the station to get them."" George replied, ""We don't have to go back, just give the K-9 unit, Fido, one sniff, and he will go fetch them for you."" It was a hot day and Mary didn't fell like heading back …