Military Jokes

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, ""Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"" The E…

The UN general assembly.

I was doing the dishes and i realized.. If we could cover our Military vehicles in dried egg yolk we would be unstoppable.

Back before ""don't ask don't tell"" ... ... this gruff old drill-sergeant was having the new recruits count off by fours. So everything is OK until the fourth round, when the guy who says ""one"" says it in a very high, girlish voice. So the drill-sergeant says - ""OK - we're gonna try that again, and this time NO jokes."" So they do it again, and sure enough, the thirteenth guy says ""one"" in the same high girlish voice. So the drill-sergeant stops them again, and to make sure he's got the ri…

I saw my friend's girl sleeping with another man in the army but didn't tell him... It was a private affair.

The Lone Ranger is out checking out the countryside on Silver one day when he gets ambushed by an Indian war party. He wakes up to find himself tied up in a teepee. He looks around and sees the indian chief and a bunch of others. The chief says to him, ""Lone Ranger! At last I have you! I am going to sacrifice you to the gods in three days at our festival. I am, however, a fair man, and I will grant you three wishes, one for each day. What is your first wish?"" The Lone Ranger replies, ""I'd lik…

The Machine Gun Three American Navy Seals are sent to Mexico to train Mexican soldiers. On the first day of training, one of the Seals orders five of the Mexican soldiers to bring the machine gun. The Mexican soldiers disappear for about 30 minutes and when they return, there is sixth man. The Seals ask, ""What took you so long and who is this?"" One Mexican soldiers points to the sixth man and responds, ""It took us a long time to find Pepe."" Angry, the Seal asks, ""And why did you go look for…

Two soldiers.. ..came across a dead animal and an argument began. One soldier said it was a donkey, the other claimed it to be a mule. An officer happened by and they asked him to settle it. He said stiffly, ""It's an ass; Now dig a hole and bury it!"" As they were digging and grumbling, a pretty, little nurse walked by and asked sweetly, ""What are you boys digging? A fox hole?"" The soldiers grinned and dryly answered, ""nope.""

A man joins the army... And on his first night going to sleep in the dorm with all the other soldiers someone yells out '25' and everyone starts to laugh. Someone else then yells '16' and everyone laughs. '12' and everyone laughs. This sort of thing happened every night for a week and, finally overcome by his curiosity, the man asks another soldier what was going on. The soldier tells him ' Well, we've been retelling the same jokes so often in the army we decided to give a number to each joke an…

11 Things that you should never say to anyone, no matter what. With all the ""10 things you shouldn't say to a pregnant woman"", ""42 things you should never say to your single friends"", ""13 things you should never say to a martial artist"" posts blowing up news feeds lately I thought I get at something we can ALL relate to. I know you've heard these.. and I know that you're sick of them ALL 1. ""Wow, that color looks great on you!"" Seriously?? my physical appearance is so horribly disturbing…

How do you know if a guy was in the Navy SEALs? Don't worry, he'll tell you.

He really did Nazi that coming So my son was talking about Operation Paperclip where the US government brought useful members of German society over after World War II. Apparently there was a neighborhood built where lots of them were staying. One day, someone was having a problem with his chimney, so I said, ""He picked a good place to be in that case. If anyone knows about chimneys, it would be Nazis.""

A schizophrenic soldier took an enemy battalion prisoner. It was easy, he had them surrounded.

Two men go for a hike. (Long) A Czechoslovakian and a Russian decide to take a trip to America to hike Mt. McKinley. After their long flight and hauling all of their gear, they get to the base of the mountain. When they reach the ranger station, the rangers tell them that the mountain has had a serious bear problem lately. The rangers say that two bears, a male and a female, have been mauling hikers for the past few weeks, and that the men should come back another time. After some discussion, th…

Did you know that the Coast Guard is the only branch of military with a minimum required height of 6feet? It's so if their boat sinks they can walk to shore.

Best man speech jokes for a Halloween wedding? So my mom is getting married tomorrow! The theme is Halloween and all the guests are dressing up. How cool is that!? I am looking to add some jokes to my speech. Reddit always comes through for me, I have faith! I want to start my speech thanking everyone for attending and make some joke referring to how everyone looks or about a Halloween wedding in general. Ideas? I also want to end my speech by welcoming my mother's new husband to the family and …

What do dyslexic soldiers get after war? PDTS

This joke was told to me by a drunk old Mexican man - Warning, it's pretty racist So one day God is surveying all he hath created from up on high and decides to gaze upon Mexico. He selects a Mexican man at random who has lived his entire life in destitute poverty, has no education or healthcare, works long hours every day to barely feed his family, and who has to watch as his country crumbles around him to drug violence and government corruption. God thinks to himself, I have made this Mexican'…

The bulgarians declared war to the chinese... (NSFW-ish) The chinese officers are discussing their enemy... - So how many are those bulgarians? - 7 million, Sir! - Huh... soooo in which hotel are they?

German pilot.... (context: all pilots, no matter where in the world they live or are flying, must be able to speak english, it's the international aviation language.) A commercial pilot, formerly a WWII luftwaffe pilot says, in german - ""Flight 212, ready for takeoff."" The Berlin flight controller asks the pilot - ""Can you please speak in english?"" The pilot, furious, replies in english - ""Why?! I am a german pilot, on german soil, flying a german plane, speaking to a german air-traffic con…

General Custer to a Geordie soldier: ""The Apaches are playing war drums!"" Geordie soldier: ""So they're thieving bastards as well as savages!"" Geordie soldier: ""So they're thieving bastards as well as savages!""

The Train Carriage Compartment So, traveling by train through Europe were a Ukrainian man, a Russian soldier, an old lady, and a beautiful young woman. Naturally, there was some tension, and nobody spoke. Then the train went into a tunnel, and everything, for a moment, was pitch dark. There's the sound of a loud kiss, a slap, and when the train emerges from the carriage, the Russian soldier is nursing a very sore cheek. The old lady thinks: ""Serves him right! How dare he take advantage of that …

the irish test pilot mick from Donegal was a test pilot during th second world war. He caused so many problems that the powers that be were relieved when they managed to get him sent to the far east to fight the japs. One day Micks ship was attacked by squadrons of zero's. Mick took off under heavy fire using superior flying skills he cleared the skies of the enemy. After performing a loop the loop and a victory roll he performed a perfect landing he swaggered up to the bridge and asked the capt…

What war did a fat person fight in? Viet-nom-nom-nom

As a freshman in high school, I enjoyed going on daily runs... [OC] After finally realizing I love running, I decided to join track and field in my school. Besides practice everyday after school and the occasional meet, I still enjoyed going on weekend jogs by myself. I made it my routine right next to eating and sleeping. Time went on and I slowly began to dislike track and running in general. I slowly became more and more lethargic and one day in my sophomore year, I quit. Throughout sophomore…