Military Jokes

Why do you get arrested for walking into an army base unauthorised in the USA? Because Obama doesn't like anyone sneaking in his barracks.

Anecdote Bill Gates When Bill Gates was in the sixth grade, his parents decided that he needed some kind of help. He was at war with his mother Mary, an extrovert woman who believed that he should do what she told him. She would call him to dinner from his bedroom, which she had given up trying to make him clean, but he wouldn't respond. ""What are you doing?"" she once asked him. ""I'm thinking,"" Bill answered. ""You're thinking?"" ""Yes, Mom, I'm thinking,"" he said aggressively. ""Have you t…

Artificial Intelligence An Annapolis computer science major was given an artificial intelligence assignment for one of his classes. He ended up creating a program where you could have a conversation with your computer based on your IQ level. To test his program he entered 80 and had a conversation with his Soap Operas. He entered 100 and talked about politics. He entered 150 and talked about nuclear physics. Just to see what would happen he entered a -50 and the computer bumped and belched and s…

What do you call a group of pillaging Huns? An army of Hun-dread.

Why did brass and steel team-up together during the war? Because they were alloys.

Islamic Star Trek? The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech, and walked out into the lobby of the convention center where he was introduced to a United States Marine Corps General. As they talked, the Iranian said, ""I have just one question about what I have seen in America ."" The General said, ""Well, is there anything I can do to help?"" The Iranian whispered, ""My son watches this show called 'Star Trek' and in it there is Kirk who is Canadian, Chekhov who is Russi…

Programming in the Cold War In the 1960's the KGB was very interested in learning everything possible about the American space program, sending all sorts of spies to find every possible piece of information. One afternoon, a breathless spy returned to headquarters with a page of paper in his hand, excitedly shouting to his superior, ""Comrade! Comrade! The Americans are using Lisp to write their rocket launching software!"" The commander was skeptical. ""How do you know?"" ""I broke into their r…

Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.) SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING In order to assure the higest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it would be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING [$.H.!.T.] We are trying to give employees more $.H.!.T. than anyone ]else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of $.H.!.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediatly placed at the top of the $.H.!.…

BILL GATES AND GENERAL MOTORS Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors. ""If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades,"" boasts Gates, ""you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50."" ""Sure,"" says …

THE best Bavarian cream pie My grandpa was stationed in Germany after the war. And when I was very small he told me about this little restaurant that served THE best Bavarian cream pie. Apparently he went there every opportunity he had. He couldn't get enough of that Bavarian cream pie - it was absolutely unreal. Well, a few years ago, my grandpa found out that he had a terminal illness, and only had a few months left to live. So, he booked a deluxe vacation cruise to Europe that would eventuall…

""There was a murder at the mime convention...."" Officer Doyle shook his head. ""Witnesses?"" The Sergeant glanced up from his coffee, ""Yeah, at least four of them. Apparently they all saw the suspect's face and everything."" ""Who was he?"" The Sergeant's eyes sunk deeper into his coffee, ""We have no idea."" ""What? How?"" The Sergeant stood up abruptly, spilling a bit coffee over his report, ""Shit. We don't know anything about him, no face, no name, no ID."" ""I thought you said we had fou…

It was Patrick Whack's first day in his new role as a loan assessor at the bank... ...and his boss, being not an arsehole, tells him that it's okay to ask him questions if he runs into trouble. His first customer of the day, an Italian with a strong accent, is after a personal loan, but doesn't have that much in the way of assets or a decent credit rating so Patrick is iffy on granting the loan straightaway, but asks the customer if he has any collateral. ""Oh-a, just a few knick-knacks, I'm afr…

A bit too dark possibly. The war in Vietnam started in 1955 and in 2015 The Charlie was finally massacred.

Kate Upton as the spokesperson for Game of War

I made a joke XD What do you call it when a soldier gets laid? *Tactical Insertion.* What do you call it when a COD player gets laid? *Lies.*

Two young men are conscripted into the army and upon registering they decide to fail their physical exam and have all their teeth removed. The two young men go to the army doctors office where they change into gowns to be examined. Between them is also a big bloke dressed in a gown and awaiting the doctor. The doctor comes in and approaches the first young man; ""Whats wrong with you then"" "" I gup mo teef"" ""Got no teeth?"" says the Doctor ""Well, open wide and let me have a look."" The young…

War crimes, helium balloons, sphincter control; just some of the things ""Let it Go"" doesn't apply to.

A couple pirate jokes (Couple good misdirection jokes) You: What's a pirates favorite military branch? Friend:ARRRMY You: No yee dumbass, it's the coast guard. You:What's a pirates favorite letter? Friend:ARRRR You: Aye, you think it be arr but it's the SEA! (C) You:What's a pirates favorite fast food restaurant? Friend:ARRRBYS You: No. It's Long John Silver's.

If I could have any superpower It would be Cold War Russia

What does the rapping shepard sing to his flock? Ewe, crank that soldier boy!

Latvia in WW2 Latvian man sent to front in Great Patriotic War. No potato, much shooting. Is captured by Germans. Germans send to POW camp. Get own potato as prisoner! But Soviets liberate camp, take all potato. Man dies in Siberia.

How do you tell the difference between an English Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer, an American Police Officer and a Scottish police Officer? QUESTION: You're on duty by yourself (don't How do you tell the difference between an English Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer, an American Police Officer and a Scottish police Officer? Don't ask why, you just are, and your Sergeant hates you) walking on a deserted street late at night. Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes ar…

How many US Navy electricians does it take to change a light bulb? Three, and three hours. One to write the tags and hang them, one to second check and fix it, and a supervisor to verify the job was done correctly. Stolen from Navy boyfriend

What do you call a retired soldier who's been blighted with mustard gas and pepper spray? A seasoned veteran

A large marine mammal was recently in Cardiff. It had a Wales of a time.