Military Jokes

So this US general gets stationed at some lost, forgotten war-zone in the remotest reaches of Afghanistan. He gets greeted at the door of his new command by the captain of the troops there. The first thing the General spots and smells is this beat up, dirty, flea bitten camel lying in squalor near the entrance to the place. ""Good God man!!"" he yells at the captain. ""Get that god-forsaken animal the hell out of here! NOW!!!"" ""Sir! Begging the General's pardon but the Camel has a purpose. Y…

Germans I do season work at a yachtcharter company and a lot of German people rent a boat there. I decided to quit my job for a better job somewhere else and to have a little fun my last day. I walked up to a German guy and said to him: excuse me sir, it appears you have lost something.. The German said to me?: wass? What did I lost?!!! To which I respond: the war.

A man, wandering through the desert, comes across a small town. [Long] Being thirsty and exhausted, he looks for the nearest inn. Soon enough, he finds one and stumbles in. ""Water,"" he mumbles to the bartender, holding up two fingers and glancing at the sign that reads 'Free Water'. As soon as the waters arrive, he gulps both of them down. ""You must be thirsty, eh?"" grins the bartender. The man, feeling rejuvenated, nods. ""Grab me a beer, would you?"" he asks. The bartender slides one over …

In the 'Nam. (Rus. Trans.) The Vietnam war. A russian general is selling a vietnamese general some warplanes. ""See here,""- says the russian general:"" Push this blue button if you are losing a battle. Push this green button if you are really losing a battle. Push this red button only when you are really REALLY losing a battle."" ""Okay,""- says the vietnamese general:""We will take em."". A few days later a vietnamese pilot is flying on one of the new planes. Suddenly two american planes come …

First day as SOLDIER! A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. >**""No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield""** A big army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, ""Halt, who goes there?"" The chauffeur says, ""General William."" ""I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield."" The general said, ""Drive on!"" The sentry said, ""Hold it! You really can't come through. I…

Some marine biologists are at a party... And at this party there's this marine mammal in the corner of the room--not bothering anyone or doing anything in particular, just hanging out. But the scientists are enjoying their party to such an extent that they just give this creature a glance now and again, not really acknowledging this animal. The party raves on for a while longer. One hour passes, two hours pass, and still no one is paying real attention to the animal. Finally someone shouts, ""IS…

Truck Driver school The Navy anchor joke reminded me of this one. On the last day of truck driving school Charlie is taking his test, and the examiner is asking him all kinds of questions. The examiner asks ""What would you do if your headlights went out?"" and Charlie says ""I'd have old Joe, my co-driver, shine a flashlight out the window so we could keep going."" The examiner says ""OK, but you shouldn't rely on your partner to help you with problems. What if you're backing up and the trailer…

The North Korean Military

If there'd been a mix up my uncle could have been President of the United States He was an army undertaker, also known as a 'barrack embalmer' \- Milton Jones

The Fruit Revolution So humanity progresses enough in technology to create super genetically modified fruit. These fruit are ten times larger than their natural counterparts and contain fifty times the nutrition. Obviously, this becomes a great success and scientists continue to make and improve the genetically modified fruit. Eventually they become so advanced that they develop faces and grow the ability to talk. The humans become intrigued by this and use them to recreate live action episodes …

Bavarian cream pie (from comedians in cars getting coffee) A soldier in World War II is in Germany at the end of the war and eats a piece of bavarian cream pie at a cafe. It's the best thing he's ever tasted. He goes on about his life. Gets married, has a family, raises children, retires. His wife dies. He gets diagnosed with cancer. He has a few months to live. He's accomplished everything in life, and his only desire is to have one more piece of that bavarian cream pie. So he books passage on …

How far away is the US Army's website? Just a few klicks away.

The headmistress of a Southern charm school calls up an army base and asks to speak to the Colonel. ""Sir, I do apologize for calling you so late, but my girls have informed me we have a bit of an issue that needs addressing directly,"" she says, ""And I hoped you might lend a hand in solving it."" ""Of course, Ma'am, I'll be happy to help if I can,"" says the Colonel. ""What's the matter?"" ""You see, we'll be holding cotillion soon, and four of my students have informed me that their dates hav…

french vs german , who won ? a drunk old man was found crying inconsolably by his friend . ""what's wrong ? "" ""i did something terribly bad that to this day I terribly regret"" ""but what have you done ?!"" ""do you remember when the germans came to tunisia for the french ? , i offered a french girl a place to hide from the germans "" "" you are a gentleman ! , why do you regret it "" "" it wasn't for free you know what i mean "" "" that's so bad but it's better than being killed if she was ok…

Why did Hitler lose World War II? Because his Reich exceeded his grasp.

Two jews walk into A bar... Ahbar then gets insulted that the jews even looked at him and demands that his country declares war on Israel for these unspeakable crimes.

[Gross] I once sat down in the chow hall with this 23-year old combat veteran and Army Sergeant. At the end of a routine meal only remarkable because it didn't have pieces of rodents in it, or didn't kill either of us outright, this guy blurts out of the blue, for God and all of country to hear, ""Mmm, that was so good I think I'll puke it back up and eat it again!""

Why is a guy in the Navy called a seaman? You are what you eat!

New Italian Navy Why does the new Italian Navy use glass bottoms in their ships? So the can see the old Italian Navy.

Confucious say Man walking down the street carrying a 5-disc CD changer... ...is either walking to or from the Salvation Army.

Old Clinton joke President Clinton is visiting his home state of Arkansas and picks up two razorback pigs from a local breeder. As he's walking onto Air Force one with a pig under each arm he asks to the marine saluting him, ""you ever see such beautiful creatures in your whole life?"" ... ""No sir, I have not. If I may ask, sir, why did you get the pigs?"" Clinton responds, ""well I got one for Hillary and one for Chelsea."" ... ""Excellent trade sir!!""

I just bought myself a can of Lynx Africa. I always wondered what AIDS, famine and civil war smelt like.

back in '02 a general came to George W and informed him that we accidentally dropped a missile in the wrong area and it killed 3 Brazilian men... Dubya looked VERY distraught and looked over at Condoleezza Rice and asked, ""exactly how many is a Brazilian?""

So a new soldier gets drafted into ww1... After the first few days I'm the trenches, his lieutenant calls the group together and says ""Men, today is the day we take the fight to the Germans. Ready yourselves as we are going to go over the walls and take the enemy trench and send every German we can to hell!"" The new private looks at him embarrassed and say, ""Sir....I've lost my rifle sir."" The officers looks at him and very seriously tells him ge can charge without a rifle and leaves. The ne…

What do you call a French General who charged into battle and died? Napoleon Blownaparte