Kids Jokes

A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.

[At a San Francisco Dance Club] *Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt* Hey baby, what's your name? "Robert"

WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs? WR: A woman steals a couple's baby WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?

Regretting that I didn't install a GPS locator on the baby, because man this Hooters is a big place.

As a kid on summer nights I'd capture fireflies in a jar then show them to my father and say "please buy me a sega this does nothing for me"

1. Hide babies all over house. 2. If a kid asks, "Where do babies come from?" laugh, "Where DON'T they come from!" and open every cabinet.

You're all invited to my second bar mitzvah where I become a child once again

that kid at the public pool who kept screaming at his mom to watch him jump in grew up to be a blogger

I'm sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.

My toddler fell, smashed his face into the cement, then played it off like he was giving the ground a kiss. No DNA test necessary.

I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.

Person: "That's a beautiful baby." Me: "Thanks, I named him after his grandpa." Person: "Awe, what's his name?" Me: "Grandpa."

when i was a kid, i thought getting arrested for shoplifting meant getting in trouble for trying to carry a store like popeye or something

Why crush your kid's imagination by telling them the Tooth Fairy "doesn't exist" when you can just have her leave a suicide note?

What's the etiquette on petting a baby that's been leashed to the bike rail outside Starbucks?

I believe in ten years, gifts for newly born baby would be a SIM card and a cell phone.

Only 2 more weeks! My wife promised me that if I kept the baby alive for a year I could get a plant!

This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.

[baby finally falls asleep] ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax DOG: I'M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON

If your kid eats the chocolate bunny's feet first, "so it can't get away," that's your future serial killer right there.

I'm here to make a donation. Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use... *Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I'd like a receipt. For my taxes.

Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I'm washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.

I'm not proud of this, but if the price is right, I'll buy your high school kid alcohol.

Text from mom: How's my baby girl? Me: I'm moving back in. Mom: Your room is ready. Me: No, your uterus! Mom: Steph you drink too much

Child twister: "I can't tear up that farmhouse, Dad" Dad twister: "Come on son we're Kansas tornadoes, not Kan'tsas tornadoesn'ts"