When I was a kid. I used to come home drunk & beat my Dad.

For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they'll send your kid back.

*sees girl at bar* Hey baby, wanna get outta here? "Sure!" Good, you're really killing the vibe.

Auto correct changed "absence" to "absinthe" and now my kid's school won't let me be on the PTA.