Kids Jokes

If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader

My mom took my child into a store and left me in line to wait for Santa by myself, so now I look like a narcissistic creeper-thanks mom.

I'd be less scared of trying to take a gun from a mugger than I am of taking an iPad from my kid.

*puts baby powder in a crib* *adds water*

I'll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.

ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking please keep your seatbelt on as we--OH MY GOD [plane flies into a giant baby mouth]

Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it

Inkling sounds like a baby octopus

"I should probably start filling this thing out." -I say about my son's baby memory book on his wedding day.

KID: *falls out of tree* I'm fine ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week

"When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online"

Favorite cannibal movies: 3) Cannibal Holocaust 2) Cannibal Ferox 1) She's Having a Baby

"Yeah, well your dog isn't a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you're vaccinated" - how a kid talks shit in 2015

I bought a laser pointer, but I don't have a cat. So I 'borrowed' my neighbor's toddler, but he doesn't seem to get it. Babies are stupid.

I showed my 3-year-old Star Wars. It blew his mind. Seriously, how do you reboot a kid? Or should I just get a new one?

[taking baby's shoes off] Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It's almost as if you were carried everywhere.

*cop frisking me* Cop: "theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?" Uh, no Cop: "OW!" *baby porcupine jumps out* RUN POKEY, RUN

Sometimes I worry about the kid who always carried a yoyo in high school

[Job Interview] *okay, he can't find out I'm a wolf* *fixes tie* *checks breath* IS THAT A PICTURE OF YOUR BABY SHE LOOKS DELICIOUS

A fun thing to do is go to the Facebook page of someone you've never met and "like" hundreds of photos of their baby.

Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions. - No child ever.

I just saved thousands on child support by never getting laid.

Little kid making faces at you from his bus window? Follow him home and make faces through his window at night.

When you're sad, hug a kid. But make sure it's yours cuz that shit would be weird.

Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he'll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.