Kids Jokes

"Baby, I'm gonna make you mine." - sweet talker forcing someone to be a coal miner

Naming your cat "Whiskers" is like naming your kid "Eyebrows."

"Hey, careful with that iPod, man, that was expensive." "So? You didn't pay for it." And that's how my kid learned the truth about Santa.

If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.

[China] "You have to get good grades" KID: But it's so hard! "We're Can-tonese not Cant-tonese" KID: You gotta admit that's a bit confusing

It's hard to tweet and change the baby's diaper at the same time.nnI probably should have waited until I got to a red light.

Baby Soldier: Ma'am. Your husband is MIA. Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands* Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.

I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I'm a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.

Take it easy, guy who posts 10,000 pics of his baby on Facebook. We get it already. You got laid once.

Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying 'don't worry baby, I'll catch you if you fall' makes him run for a really really long time

You can baby proof your house instantly by not inviting any babies over.

*Showing me a picture of your baby* Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What's your dog's name?

[text] "Just saw this! I'd love to go to dinner!" Him: That was 3 years ago, I have a wife & kid now. "Bring 'em! Sister Wives is my jam!"

When Facebook moms post how they can't believe their kid is going into whatever grade, write "No way! I thought for sure he'd be held back!"

"Sorry, her father is a pterodactyl" - me with the screeching baby in the grocery store.

There's nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug

wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage therapist: how do you respond to that kyle? me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600

[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on] moth driving: omg moth wife: Harold no we have a baby moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD

Look, I don't know how else to put this but your baby is just hideous. We were all thinking it but I drew the short straw. More water?

What do you do with your gum when there isn't a trash can/little kid's hair to throw it in?

M: Are you gonna eat that baby? Lady: What!!?! Go away you Sick-O' M: Sorry! I saw you putting it on Instagram & figured.. Never mind.

How Jesus was named: Mary: Joseph, I'm having a baby. Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!

[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre] Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.

A goldfish is a great pet if you're wanting to be forced to explain death to your toddler sometime within the next 48 hours.

"I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!" -me, trying to put a crib together