Kids Jokes

[turns up radio in the car] Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here

Wife: Do the dishes Me: Can't. Holding the baby Wife: Take out the trash Me: Can't. Baby Wife: Change the baby Me: Can't. Doing dishes.

Fully clothed mom just waded into the pool to grab her devil spawn child that was ignoring her. She's my new favorite.

There's nothing like the laughter of a baby....unless you're home alone at 1 am...and you don't have children...

I'm not usually vengeful, but when I am it's because someone gave my kid a whistle.

I see you've blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address Baby, does this mean we're on a break?

My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white

As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who's laughing now?

"Don't kid yourself." - birth control

Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed. Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.

I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.

Ppl at Starbucks are weird. They love it when I bring our chihuahua in a little baby stroller, but get all freaked out when I let him nurse.

I was verbally abused as a child. The bigger verbs at school would kick my ass. "Stop conjugating yourself!" they'd say mockingly.

BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back MOM STEAK: no honeyget some sleep [rocky walks into the freezer] ROCKY: time to punch some meats

I set my kid's dollhouse on fire then asked: DO YOU HAVE INSURANCE?! DOES BARBIE HAVE AN ESCAPE PLAN?! WHY ARE YOU CRYING?! Life lessons

Apparently you can't make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don't waste your time.

I was simply stating that your crying child MIGHT fit comfortably in the overhead compartment, lady. #butseriously

Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby? Me: Ooh, yes please! * Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *

"GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE" KID: *goes kicking and screaming* TEEN: You can't do this, I have plans tonight ADULT: Thank you so much

Can't believe it's been four years since we all pretended Michael Jackson never touched a child.

The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.

hello poison control. i need some poison asap, my kid is being a real piece of shit. yes i'll hold.

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (1971) A bunch of freeloaders lie around in bed & support themselves by violating child labor laws.

One time I wore my brother's t-shirt, and my dad asked if I was dressing up as his favorite child for Halloween.

My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.