Kids Jokes

I was very impressed by this child's witch costume. Until I realised she was just an ugly midget in a black dress.

Her: For once I'd like a man to just sweep me off my feet. Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*

Remember being a kid and writing "FiretrUCK" everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn't get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me :(

Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You're welcome.

Why is it whenever we see a police car, we drive like we have 10 kilos of cocaine and a stolen baby in the car?

This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd "Shona baby"

"Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven't seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat--OH DEAR GOD!!" - birth of an expression

My 9 day old baby keeps chanting "put the means of production in the hands of the workers"

Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.

I miss being a kid and playing cowboys and Indians. Now whenever I chase people around with a tomahawk I get arrested.

*Holds centipede up to your cheek as you're sleeping and whispers* Hey baby, the restraining order said a hundred feet...

I got my first period during Shrek 2 live in theaters which means I entered Shrek 2 a child & left a woman

Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.

October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid's Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don't have candy in them.

So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?

Cartoons lied to me as a child. I was lead to believe quicksand was going to be a much larger problem in life.

a girl told me "ppl dont look at the sky anymor" so i walked around looking up & it was beautiful & i bumped right into a kid lookin at bugs

hey baby. ever been with a man who uses the basket instead of a grocery cart. Im basically bicep curling these chickpeas haha its easy to me

Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you're raising a child now.

A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.

Damn baby, you make me feel like the economic times during Martin Van Buren's Presidency. Hard.

"How old are you?" Things you say to your third child.

*walks into hospital carrying baby* "What's your return policy on this thing?"

Psssst. Hey you, Yeah you...Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it

Wife: where's the baby? Me: up on the roof Wife: THE ROOF? Me: relax. He's got sunscreen on