Wife still out of town. I'm afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.

Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler. Me: ...I thought her arm was on fire. Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.

My wife didn't post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.

I've only got a few more weeks to convince my wife that our baby's middle name should be Underscore.