Kids Jokes

Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas

It would probably be cool to hang out with a witch because you could bake just the biggest cake in her child sized oven.

My wife didn't post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.

In honor of Kim and Kanye's baby "North West" I will be naming my first son "Taco"

21st century kid on Santa's lap-"Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh"

My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall. Worked great! Also, If you've found my nephew Jake, lemme know

Turns out when you're asked who your favourite child is you're expected to pick from your own.

It seems like every kid wants to be Spider-man or Batman now-a-days. They must have terrible parents if they all want to be orphans.

At this late date, the only way I'm gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.

[throws dirty diaper away] - OMG WHAT R U DOING?! - it's gross im not touching that - GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT! - ugh, fine

This fall on Fox: X-Files Babies. Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.

Guy: you've been a bad girl. Girl: yes baby, punish me. Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.

"Man this milk is SO strong. It's got like, 30% lactose or some shit. Whatever that means." -baby parties

My kid can build an entire city with a stick & a bale of hay in Minecraft but you ask him to load the dishwasher & suddenly he's brain dead

KID: I'm starting to feel like I'll never find a Coke with my name on it MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious

Holy shit. I just realized this sales kid is treating me this way because he thinks I'm old

[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]

Someone's been sleeping in my bed, said Papa Bear. Someone's been sleeping in MY bed, said Mama. Why don't u share a bed?! cried Baby Bear.

If you're still undecided on a certain tattoo, try it out first on your baby.

Health food? Baby, my body is a '93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I'm not about to start putting premium gas in it now.

Small kid : Mom what happens when you die? Mom : Your soul will go to heaven. Small kid : No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?

It's cool that my girlfriend is willing to bear my child, but it would be way cooler if she gave birth to a bear.

You'd think 'The Terminator' would know what to do in the event of some lady having a child that threatens your way of life.

this is my son Mason. yes like the shitty cheap mass produced jar. i named him that because its a good name for my underwhelming baby boy

At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, "Sorry. This relationship isn't working out. You should start seeing other moms."