Kids Jokes

Shouldn't there have been ONE scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel's mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man's shed?"

My wife googled "when is it safe to leave a child at home alone" and now she won't let me stay home alone.

There's no crying in baseball! But there is in cryball and you're gonna make it big, kid! Are you smiling? There's no smiling in cryball!

My kid told me an "old dead girl" lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I'm never going in there again.

My daughter asked me what it was like when I was a kid, so I took away all her electronics and made her play with a Rubik's cube.

My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she's a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.

My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one. Parenting is hard, you guys.

I've never held a baby before "It'll be fine" *I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*

Thinking of adopting a child. What color should I get? Keep in mind my walls are eggshell and cinnamon.

got a job at the no more tears baby shampoo factory spraying shampoo into babies eyes and filming their reactions. best job ive ever had

if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper - maybe be a problem solver

Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple? Mom: No, sweetie. I don't know how to cut them. Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.

People think having 5 sets of grandparents rules as kid on Xmas, and it does, but you pay for it on the back end having to go to 97 funerals

I don't like the Man I become when I answer Dora before my toddler does

*phone rings* Wife: Quick! Pretend I'm not in!" Me: *dresses baby up in Superman costume & duct tapes him to ceiling fan* Wife - "....""

A 2-hour movie called "Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?"

Maybe the baby wasn't on board. Maybe the baby was against the whole thing.

Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.

I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I'll be your baby's godmother.

[wife leaving for the weekend] "Baby formula is in the cupbo--" "I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad's funeral."

First Rule of Parent Club: If your kid gets their head stuck in something, make sure you get your camera before you help them get it out.

My aunt is trying to convince me that I'm gonna have kids. I named my kittens lunchbox and cocaine Steve. No one is gonna let me have a kid.

A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn't cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.

Ever been so completely out of toilet paper that you send your kid next door to get some? Me neither, I just like to embarrass my kid.

Saw a kid crying in the grocery store. I opened a bottle of A1 and chugged it right in front of him. He stopped crying and started nodding.