Kids Jokes

Young mom: My baby is 34 months Me: Oh really I'm 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit

It's impossible not to look creepy whispering to a child

Every time you have McDonald's as a kid, it's a victory. Every time you have it as an adult, it's a defeat.

Hangman is a weird game to let kids play. Hey kid, if you don't think of this word, a random man will be put to death.

If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?. *Storms off w/ his son, Kegger

"Stupid kid fell in the well again." -if Lassie had been a cat

Beyonce was Destiny's Child. The other two were adopted.

A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.

Do not tell a kid you didn't understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.

Anyone who says having a child is the best moment of their life has obviously never had two mars bars fall out of a vending machine at once.

Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they're special.

honey you gotta push that baby out faster, there's only like three seconds left on this vine

*me holding a human baby* i think this cat is broken

My kid is singing "Mac-n-cheese" to the tune of "Stand by Me." You guys just tried it, didn't you?

a nativity scene but with a giant burrito instead of a baby Jesus

I'd rather watch a four hour montage of old Russian men eating soup than have a toddler throw a tantrum in a Target.

Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption "1st Easter!" Hell no, there have been like 2000, we're not starting over just for him

I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.

You tell one kid there's candy inside an electrical outlet that can only be retrieved with a fork and you're never asked to babysit again

FACEBOOK: Hey, remember me? I'm a girl you met in college, in that one class. We never really talked. Anyway, here's 97 pictures of my baby.

I think if a little girl wants to grow up and be a Tyrannosaurus Rex that's totally fine, and science shouldn't stop her.

We'll take these $75 baby shoes. No need for a shoe box. We'll just let him wear & outgrow them on the car ride home.

I wouldn't mind being catcalled if it were useful: "Hey baby, boot sale at Macy's!" or, "Line's shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!"

Kid wants to sit at table, isn't tall enough Me: WHERE ARE ALL THE PHONEBOOKS?! Him: U threw them out saying, who the hell uses phone books?

Subway kid: Would you like your sandwich toasted? Me: No, I'm toasted enough for both us. In fact I'm kind of hoping it can drive me home.