Kids Jokes

I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn't named her baby is because she doesn't know she's supposed to.

Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned. Padre: What is your sin, my child? Me: Twitter. Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .

My tweets may contain typos because English is not my first language--my first language was baby talk, and babies are horrible writers.

my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called "good"

I bet you vegetarians don't even feel guilty eating baby carrots. Barbarians.

So everyone knows, it's frowned upon to yell "Hot potato" when someone hands you a baby and toss it back to them

*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait-- WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT

My sister had a baby today. I think I've used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.

I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I'm part of their web of lies now too.

If batman and catwoman had a kid it would be batcat or the less popular manwoman.

A 13-pound baby was born in GERMANY?? C'mon Mississippi, this is why we keep you around

I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid: Dog game piece Boardwalk and Park Place. Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.

{At the art museum with my newborn son} baby: dada? Me: it's impressionist you stupid baby

I've got a black eye, a $200 fine and I've been listed on a register...turns out taking candy from a baby wasn't so easy after all.

"hey mister can i pet your dog?" "sure kid" "what kind is he?" "that there's a pure beef vienna son careful don't get mustard on your shirt"

Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he's excited because he thinks he's going to be famous online.

7: Its the last week of school so we don't have to go. Can I stay home? Me: Ha! Nice try, kid. Teacher: Its true. Me: Ha! NICE TRY, TEACHER.

Name your kid Basil and see what happens. BEST case scenario he spends hours a day updating Wikipedia.

Wish I had the confidence of a small child having a meltdown at the shopping mall.

[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] "come to me baby, and jump, and oops... You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear."

what's wrong son? that kid said he's cooler than me what? impossible. what kid? *in my head im like don't be the kid with pegs on his bike*

Forget the Home Alone parents forgetting their kid. Why the hell do they own a bunch of mannequins?

Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. - Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.

nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude

CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child. FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.