Kids Jokes

Adult me: I wish I was a kid again. Kid me: I wish I was a dinosaur! RaWr!

The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.

A curious tradition -- to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, "Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me."

A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.

"My mind is telling me nooo... But my body... My body's telling me yesss...BABY" Cashier: Sir...would you like fries with that or not?

Right now the parents of the kid who climbed Trump Tower are thinking "Damn I knew we shouldn't have given him that REI gift card"

I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.

I got in touch with my inner child and the little shit hung up on me.

To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want... Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.

Pretend it's a beer... Pretend it's a beer... Pretend it's a beer... - Me trying not to drop a baby.

"I can't believe we're selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk..." WALL: "I saw you vacuum up your kid's hamster."

"Don't Kid Yourself" would be the greatest brand name for birth control pills.

Toilet paper has a lot of other uses! Your baby? Boom. It's a mummy. Your dog? Boom. Mummydog. This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.

<at first day of t-ball practice> Me:What's the first rule here, boys? Kid:Don't poop your pants? M:I was gonna say "have fun" but...OK.

Kid: "I want to be a doctor when I grow up." Mom: "You can't. Your hands aren't cold enough."

me: God? God: yes my child me: I need help- God: ask and thou shall receive me: -moving into my new apt God: me: God: me: hello?

I child proofed my entire house... and they still got in

*BUSTS DOWN DOOR* *Fires off jokes* *Kidnappers helpless in laughter* "..and that's how your granpappy saved baby Jesus." - Me, someday

Me: I played this as a kid. It's from back when video games made sense 6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle? Me: Because I'm a plumber

I'm white and my wife is black. I'm trying to convince her we should adopt a Chinese baby so we can tell people that's how they are made

Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don't say a word. Momma's gonna buy you a mocking bird Mom: like hell I'll buy that kid anything..

Really, Weather Guy? It's gonna be a "pleasant" weekend? How about you go to Stacy's baby shower and report back.

The steak that I put in the Easy Bake Oven as a child is still not done

Parents w/ 1st Baby: "Aww he's starting to walk! C'mon buddy, u can do it!" Parents w/ Baby #4: "SHIT, HE'S STANDING! QUICK, SWEEP THE LEG!"

kid, we've been tracking your performance on the self checkout... you're the best we've ever seen. we'd like you to become our head cashier