Kids Jokes

No matter how many times I call the hospital to complain, they won't recall my baby.

Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.

I bet in Somalia a kid has been like "I'm so hungry!" and another's like "Third world problem!" and they both laugh and die and stuff.

[Parent-Teacher Conference] Teacher: ..if another kid is mean to her, she calmly walks away Me: *flips table* WHICH KID IS MEAN TO HER?!?!

A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it's a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.

I'm doomed to always think of the best comebacks the next day when the baby isn't even around.

My biggest fear is that someone will say "Git-R-Dun" while I'm holding my child. Because I will instinctively swing my baby at their face.

So bored at the airport, I just smiled at a baby to kill time.

Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half. An M&M. In half.

Kim on FB needs help deciding if the snot in her kid's nose is from allergies or not. His Dr. says yes, but she really needs your opinion.

[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]

*jesus turns water to wine* me: you can't just insert goods into an economy you'll cause deflation Jesus: my child- me: NO! it's bullshit!

"class... raise your hand if you know what "getting laid" means" *room of 4th graders is silent* *kid with heelys raises hand*

"I wasn't born yesterday" - Lying newborn baby

Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt: "You like Nirvana? What's your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?" Kid: Nevermind "Yeah, me, too."

[principal's office] "Your child's previous school indicates you're a bit of a helicopter parent." Velociraptor: That's got to be a typo.

Spiders: Nature's reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.

Eat Chipotle with your hands? Fine. Eat stuff that falls out of it with your hands? Get stared at you like you smeared shit on someone's kid

WIFE [in labour] GOD MAKE IT STOP MIDWIFE: The baby's WIFE: NO, THE NOISE ME [stops playing pan pipes] Is the nurse being too loud, love?

MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo. *child kisses parents and goes to bed MY HOUSE: Time for bed. *mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport

Hey I just met you... And this is Crazy... But this is a nice restaurant... So, Silence your baby!

I'd like to have a kid but I'm not sure I'm ready to spend ten years of my life constantly asking someone where their shoes are.

When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.

this toddler on the bus said "the wheels on the bus go round & round" & this guy yelled back "no shit Sherlock" & I can't stop clapping?

Just had a food baby, but I'm not ready for that type of responsibility so I flushed it