Kids Jokes

Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.

I don't smoke to be cool, I smoke so no one asks me to hold their baby.

Told my kid not to touch the floor of the bathroom, so he licked the doorknob instead. The dumb is strong in this one.

There is absolutely nothing funnier than yelling "HE'S STEALING MY BABY!" at a dad having a hard time with his kid in public.

Fun Game: 1. Be a couple without kids. 2. Hire a babysitter. 3. When they show up and ask where the kid is, scream, "You lost it already?!?"

Wait...so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face? -me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks

"Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don't we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?"

CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home

if i ever become a dad my thing is gonna be sayin "spoiler alert" to my kid& then pointing at cars w/ spoilers. thats gonna be my dadphrase

A child is like a blank slate. They make a horrible screeching sound when you drag your nails across their face.

I thought we were both kidding when we made plans for me to watch your kid.

[assembling baby's cot] Wife: take that bit off Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then

Awww it's cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn't realise I will pull hers right back.

when you're a kid you're like "how do actors cry so easily?" and when you grow up you're like "how is anyone ever not crying?"

ME *sees baby crab in stroller*: He's so cute! I just wanna rip his lil legs off dip em in butter and eat them! MOM CRAB *beaming*: thank u

Did you know that in Maine they will give you five-cents for a soda can, but they won't give you ANYTHING for a baby?

1. Ask for something. 2. Throw it down. 3. Repeat steps 1 & 2. - Toddler To Do List

If your a kid and want to become cooler, heres a tip. Start smoking cigarette's. You can thank me later.

*walk up to woman breastfeeding baby* Is this guy bothering you?

My house is clean so please don't eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.

Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.

Her: Babe! Be careful! The stove is hot! Me winking and leaning on the stove: You're Hot, Baby. 911: What's your emergency?

When you start trying to pick out names for a baby, you realize how many jerks you know with different names.

Overheard 2 dad's at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me. Joke's on them. I don't have kids.

Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.