Kids Jokes

i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed

Yes, how much for the baby jacuzzi? Ma'am, that's a crockpot.

Parent Tip: don't tell your child "I'm waiting, I can wait all day if I have to" unless you've actually cleared your schedule for the day.

20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him 40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU

My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek'd PLEASE DON'T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.

i went to middle school with a kid named jonathan math. poor dude was HORRIBLE at math. the expectations of his last name weighed too heavy

Your baby's got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection? Are you even trying to keep him alive?

If babies named Todd don't call themselves "The Toddler" then what's the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?

Usain Bolt runs at 31mph which sounds good, but if he hits a child there's a 40% chance they'll die.

We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived. Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!

There's nothing a "Baby On Board" sticker says that the Honda Odyssey it's on doesn't already say.

- Adele's baby starts to cry - Adele sings the baby a lullaby - baby cries more, but now for different reasons

I'm raising my child to believe there were only 3 'Star Wars' movies.

The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it... I'm gonna miss that baby...

GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS! GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.

1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby 2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us

It's pretty hard when you're a kid and you learn that a dodecahedron is a shape with 12 sides and not a dinosaur.

Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after "someone" threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.

Stupid baby keeps knocking my bong over.

My dog: wasn't me Me: I know My dog: honest It wasn't me Me: it's ok really My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them

Quit calling me to the front of the store to claim my lost child! Drop her in the lost & found and I'll get her when I'm ready.

I took my child to work almost ten months ago, people. Is there seriously not a Take Your Child Back Home Day?

Some nights I wonder if the little boy from the sweatshop that made my iPhone is staring up at the same stars I'm Instagraming.

What's your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.

"I'M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!" (Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)