Kids Jokes

"They're like a sponge at this age" I say to the parents of the baby I'm using to scrub dishes with.

[office] DAVE: We're having a baby SUE: Congratulations! ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?

I'm jealous of my parents, I'll never have a kid as cool as theirs.

[mall food court] Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no

There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.

If you traded your windowless van for an ice cream truck or a big red sleigh you would triple your child kidnappings.

[helping my kid with contractions] Me: Would've Her: Would have M: Nice. I'll H: I will M: Good. Won't H: Won not M: Excellent

Just looked at the price of baby strollers. I think were gonna have an indoor baby.

a strain of weed that permanently erases your memories and reduces your brainwaves to the carefree infantile state of a newborn baby

My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn't want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids

Little kid next to me on a plane just ate the preservative packet out of his jerky, looked at me and said, "Don't tell my mom."

I'm sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn't notice.

I should probably never be a mom considering I'd rather drop a baby in a puddle than my iPhone

Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler's hand and scream "NOT TODAY SATAN!"

Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?

How to calm a crying baby: 1. Pick it up. 2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.

if the waitress at this brunch doesn't give me the Mother's Day special then I shaved my legs and stole this baby for nothing

*phone rings Me: Hello? Telemarketer: Hello how are you today? Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!

Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi's baby.

why would anyone want a baby? it's just another thing you have to clean

If a baby like Justin Bieber is the face of teen angst and rebellion, then we've bubble wrapped our kids too tight.

At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: "you have a dog?" Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.

Parenting tip: if you beat one child with the other child you can tell people they were just fighting. You're welcome.

ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby 3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend

12: "Why don't girls like playing dodgeball?" Because we don't like getting hit by balls. 12: *giggles for 5 minutes* You are so my child