I'll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.

"Uh-oh!" - My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog

"I'm a vegetarian but I eat fish." - People who don't get how definitions work.

Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I'm not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.