Kids Jokes

Friend: I want a baby. Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It's like that, but you can't call the cops.

Sorry I yelled, "HAIL SATAN" at your baby's baptism.

When I was a kid, I really thought piranhas were going to be pretty much a daily concern.

Due to flooding, my kid's school is closed. Pffft. In my day, we swam to school--uphill--both ways.

Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn't seen him much lately

Ugh. It's bath time again and I always forget if you wash the baby on 'delicates' or 'permanent press'.

I just yelled "Where's the baby?!" while holding the baby. I can't believe it was legal for me to reproduce.

[Baby trying to say first words] Baby: b..bu Me: cmon son Baby: bu..bu..s Wife: Yes sweetheart Baby: Bush did 9/11 Me[tearing up]: He knows

Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say "please put your shoes on" 17,000 times every morning. My dreams have come true.

*interrogating a baby* "Any first words?"

Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake. I need a ride home.

Gwen Stefani: this shit is bananas! B-A-N-A-N-A-S wait!! If if this shit is bananas then that means... Cut to kid opening lunch box

My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses

Me: This is the year I'm going to save money. Also me: *googles, "how to purchase a baby elephant?"*

Calling your baby ugly makes me rude? How about you making me look at your ugly baby makes YOU rude.

*interrupts parent & child on bus* Actually thats not true, Wolverine has died many times *they get up* Your mother cant shelter you forever

Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It's like when you change a baby's clothes- new baby. New baby that's yours now.

*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe* yoga instructor: you need to leave me: oh is this not child's pose?

When Kate Middleton goes into labor, the doctor will say "the baby is crowning!" and they'll laugh and laugh

My kid is almost old enough for social media so we'll need to have "the talk" soon. You know, about your/you're and their/there/they're.

*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school* *teacher walks towards man* "are you expecting a child?" "no thats from all the beer"

My little girl will never have daddy issues. But her future boyfriends will.

It's Saturday! Go for a walk! Pay your bills! Take up smoking! Shave a loved one! Steal a baby!

"I'm on the Reich track baby, I was born this race." -Nazi Gaga

I just seen a kid yell at his dad and tell him "No jerk!" I yelled at my dad once when I was 12, then I woke up and I was 16.