Kids Jokes

My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.

You have no idea how hard it is to find a greeting card for your wife that says, "I don't remember where I left the baby."

No kid, you don't have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.

"ice, ice, baby. ice, ice, bab--no ice-- no thats definitly a babey" - man who has a job sorting babys and ice at the ice & baby factorey

Don't glare at me lady! You're the one who named your kid Marco then yelled his name in the store!

JUDGE: I sentence you to 2 consecutive life sentences [60 yrs later: convict dies, is reincarnated] COP: This baby camel is under arrest

QUICK! HOW MANY BABY CARROTS CAN A GUY SHOVE UP HIS BUTT BEFORE HE... 12.

Her:"Let's make a baby." Him: "Okay! Hold on." *goes to bathroom* [5 minutes later.] Her: "Where'd you go?" Him: "You meant with you??"

I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like "thank God it Friday!" or "Im pregnant of baby"

Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn't a teen mom. Because that child would not be OK today.

If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.

I added broccoli to my kid's Mac n Cheese and now he's sitting in a spinny chair, petting a hairless cat and plotting his revenge.

[feeding baby Malaysian food] "Here comes the plane" *makes plane noises* *spoon just disappears*

I like to stand next to someone else's screaming baby, call an ex boyfriend, and tell him, "We need to talk!"

Greatest days of my life: 3) Day I got married 2) Day my first kid was born 1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games

People don't realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I'm late to take FLARDFULL and ODMJUK on their play date.

as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I'm an adult, I think it's a tremendous amount of money

I rely on a little boy to tell me how I feel and boy, are my arms tired?

Only 50 more days til we find out who's our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!

I just gave my secretary a baby shower. Well, a potential baby shower. If you know what I mean.

Seeing twin toddler red haired girls on leashes in Target was my birth control reminder for the day.

If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that's on you. That is your bad.

The Orthodontist wants to pull my daughter's 2 loose baby teeth & charge me $250. I bought the biggest bag of caramels I could find for $5.

Baby, tonight let's put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf

A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.