Kids Jokes

I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. :-(

Funny how you can tell a child Santa is made up and they accept it immediately, but you tell an adult God is made up, and they throw a fit.

Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don't have a baby. So no.

How to tell if your kid is doing drugs 1. Are your drugs missing?

[shoves the new kid] ur in the wrong ballet class loser, this is for the experts only [low-5s closest bro while maintaining eye contact]

*stands by cucumbers at grocery store *feels intimidated *hides by baby carrots *gets ego boost

Bella is the most misunderstood girl in fiction. She games Edward for immortality, starts a vampire war&secures a wolf servant for her baby.

I would like to see more realistic math problems in schools cause there ain't no way some kid has 75 melons without stealing a produce truck

Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.

I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water... Or food... Or baby...

Things I constantly worry about pressing: 1. "Like" while ex stalking 2. Send all drafts 3. A baby's soft spot Yes, this list is in order.

"Since you both claim to be this infant's mother, we'll cut the baby in half." OK. Sounds reasonable. "Y...uh, alright then. Let's do this."

I blame my parents subscription to National Geographic when I was a kid for my preference for black women.

I wonder if anyone besides me has the bumper sticker, "Proud parent of your wife's kid."

Random woman in the store: What's in your mom's tummy? 5-year-old: A baby. Woman: What kind of baby? 5-year-old: A human one. Nailed it.

*hands you baby* Here's your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn't come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.

*crowd in 1889 screaming because I appeared out of thin air and shot a baby* that was Baby Hitler...everyone calm down that was Baby Hitler

[raises hand in ethics class] So if I see a baby outside at night and nobody's around, is that, like, my problem?

*Baby presses 'snooze' to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*

My child: Mom, there's a monster under my bed. Me: "That's impossible, they're all running for president right now."

I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him

No cop can catch a kid on a 10 speed. -every 80s movie with cops chasing kids on 10 speeds.

"what if today's the day you learn about tacos and ostriches? You don't want to miss that, do you?" - me manipulating my kid to school.

My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?

Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him. [126 minutes]