Kids Jokes

I don't believe in telling little girls they're beautiful. Or little boys. Anybody, really. The human body is truly disgusting.

On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.

(child accidentally being born in butcher shop) Shirtless mother: what should we name him? Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra...ham

[Gives husband a list for groceries] He brings home 1/2 of what's on the list and someone else's kid.

if you told a kid that their parents died or that their balloon flew away, you'd get the same reaction.

Fact if it's mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that's not enough babies!

I played Dodgeball... I got Bullied.... I ate Gluten... I didn't get Participation Trophies... I turned out fine... So will your kid...

The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.

[PRESS CONFERENCE] Me: I'm going on the record. Yes, I'd go back in time to kill a baby Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler? Me: sure, whoever

Pal: "on your date, ask her about herself. Oh! And girls love a guy into animals" Me: "how much do you weigh? about as much as baby cow?"

Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. :(

I'm not ready for a child, I should have never banged that stork.

When your baby cries, don't feed it. That's just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.

Wife: How's the baby? Me: He keeps trying to shove socks thru the mail slot. Wife: Aw. His socks or yours? Me: Socks is the neighbor's cat..

Remember when we thought "Any kid can grow up to be President" was a good thing?

[as a kid] Can't wait to grow up and make my own decisions! [now] Why did I think this would be fun

The world has gotten so politically correct that I don't know what is appropriate to throw at a crying baby in a restaurant anymore.

I don't know what the big deal is. Putting my toddler to bed is easy... In fact, just tonight, I did it 25 times.

[speed dating] Anyway, do you have a baby hedgehog? "No." *I take a deep breath and roll my eyes* [timer beeps]

don't kid yourself, the pace at which the cursor blinks before a blank space in a document is the actual heartbeat of God

At 1am I'm going to wake up my 2 year old by yelling his name and crying. Then, I'll crawl into his toddler bed. Let's see how he likes it.

One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it'll be fine. Better than fine, actually.

If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It's basically Twitter.

1)sit in toddler seat of a shopping cart. 2)tip over til feet touch the ground. 3)stand up. you're now a grocery turtle. no one can stop you

A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.