Kids Jokes

People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don't know anything about it

[spelling bee] JUDGE: Your word is "incorrect" KID: I haven't spelled it yet JUDGE: No, that's your word KID: T-H-A-T-'-S JUDGE: No- KID: N-

Sometimes I like to hysterically tell mall security that my infant son has gone missing just so I can show people baby pictures of myself.

Kiss me you fool. Embrace me you dolt. Cuddle me you simpleton. Marry me you megalomaniac. HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.

Ordering at McDonald's & the cashier asked if my child wanted a Happy Meal. I explained the toxicity of equating consumerism with happiness.

Here at Nickelodeon, we're constantly trying to push the boundaries of what a child's head should be shaped like.

"Daddy, where do babies come from?" Show him Edna.. [mum stops slicing carrots] *starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*

Me: Yeah like that, baby. Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair* Me: *moans* Him: *growls* I'm gonna do so many-- Me: *snores, drools*

When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.

"Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now." -extreme home makeover

Can someone help me figure out how much water I need to add to this baby powder in order to make a baby?

Does anyone know how much water I'm supposed to add to this baby powder to make an infant?

I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.

I'm sorry I poked your baby with your selfie stick but I didn't really know what to do with either of them.

VOICEMAIL: I'm sorry I can't come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can't try again until next year

It cost me $14,000 and took 3 years, but I finally pulled off legally changing my friend's baby's name without him knowing. I LOVE PRANKS!!!

Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn't anyone talking about Oprah eating children?

In my defense, your baby was crying before I dropped it.

Don't tell me about how you "dressed up" your baby for a special occasion. If you're wearing something you can shit in you aren't dressed up

I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now

I'd be worried about my privacy settings on Facebook too if I had as many pictures of my ugly baby as you do.

If you watch "The Empire Strikes Back" backwards it's about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad's identity he starts hitting on his sister

*puts baby marshmallows on a porcupine* There you go little guy. Now you're bouncy.

Me: I need to lose my baby weight. Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest? Me: Thirteen.

I told my niece if I cut her open she would just be made of chicken quesadillas and she said if she cut me open I'd just be dead. Smart kid.