Kids Jokes

My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.

No matter which kids book I read to my screaming baby on an airplane, the moral of the story is always something about a vasectomy.

As I drop my child off to her first day of school it reminds me of how my mom dropped me off as well...except mom was ticketed for littering

No, my kid didn't do the drawings I have up around my desk. I did them. It's my desk.

*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out* Kid: But that means- *Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*

By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn't yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance

My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is

If your sandwiches were made with the end Wonder bread slices, you weren't their favorite child.

Old Testament: Death, plagues, vengeance New Testament: Forgiveness, love, wants you to call home Having a kid really mellowed God out.

DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is- MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG? DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.

When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.

As a kid, I was less concerned about Goldilock's safety than I was about Mama and Papa bear not sleeping in the same bed anymore.

- If you insinuate that I'm fat again, I'm leaving you! - Don't be selfish, think about the baby. - What baby? - Oh, so you're not pregnant?

I relate more to "Rice, rice, baby" - because Asian

Mom always said she didn't have a favorite child, which was tough because I don't have any brothers or sisters.

Prom tip: DON'T HAVE A BABY

- Baby, do you think I have too much makeup on? - That depends. Are you gonna try to kill Batman?

"Wow! Go show your mommy!" -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.

8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid? Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did. 8: It's a really old story then, I guess.

6: I'm going outside to play. Me: Stay in your own yard. 6: Define "my own yard" Me: .... have fun. So her mother's child.

Saw a Chinese baby and a black kid wave at each other today. Gives me hope for the future. Or another Rush Hour movie.

1. Pour milk on floor. 2. Ask which kid did it. 3. Send them to their rooms when they don't admit it. 4. Enjoy peaceful evening.

Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can't ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.

Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.

Watching my kids play the Xbox Kinect and it's taking me back to when I was a kid and we had this great game called playing outside.