My wife didn't post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.

A fun thing to do is comment "that ain't the girl you were with at the bar the other night" on all my married friends Facebook family photos

[kidnapper hands wife phone] "brent" BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED

Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died? Me: Damnit Facebook not now. FB: Sorry... FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.