*goes to the gym* *takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see* *hurries to the bar*

Wife: We need to go to the store. We're out of milk. Me: We can wait a few days. Wife: We're out of beer. Me: *dives in the car*

My wife and I have been dieting together for a week so it'd probably be safer for me to come home smelling like perfume than a Snickers bar.

At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.