*friend bites off beer bottle cap at party* HONEY! HONEY!! NOW!! NOW!!! *wife jumps out car with a hundred jars from the fridge*

WIFE: Where's the dog? *flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer* ME: I let him outside.

Driving Home Drunk An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. ""So,"" says the cop to the driver, ""where have ya been?"" ""Why, I've been to the pub of course,"" slurs the drunk. ""Well,"" says the cop, ""it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."" ""I did all right,"" the drunk says with a smile. ""Did you know,"" says the cop, standing straight an…

So a Jim walks into a bar... ...and the only other person in the bar (other than the barkeeper) is one guy. This guy had already had way too many, and was fighting to keep his balance on the bar stool. Soon after, the drunk falls off of his chair. The drunk then tried to climb up back on to the bar stool, but to no avail. After watching the drunk man try to climb back up onto his bar stool for a while, Jim takes pity on him and walks over to help him out. ""Are you okay there man?"" Jim asks the…