Kids Jokes

People always freak out when I start playing their kid like a bass. It's like chill, you can play him like a bass too once I finish the song

piss me off and I'll put you on my kid's school fundraiser mailing lists

ur only a true 2012s kid if u remember kony

Sorry you handed me your baby and I immediately put it in the garbage I thought that's what we were doing.

J.K. Rowling revealed more info about the American Hogwarts. Unlike the European version, it has metal detectors and more than one fat kid.

When I was child we had to look things up in dictionary or encyclopedia, uphill both ways in the snow

Hey baby, I'm like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don't have any electricity

if a child of mine is ever incredibly muscular at birth i would consider naming it XERXES in all caps like that

grampa: i was sent to war when ur mother was a baby. i didnt kno if i'd see her again me: noo my uber stopped on the other side of the road

I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.

Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults. How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.

He said: "Tell me Baby...am I your first?" She said: "What? Like...today?"

Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.

The hardest part about having an ugly child is lying to them when they ask you if you love them.

I wonder if the prince was suspicious when Snow White's first baby was born a dwarf.

The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he's 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.

"Baby last night you were so hot, let's do it all over again this morning." -me, speaking to this leftover pizza.

I was the kid your mom made you invite to your birthday party who then started crying and had to be picked up early.

Behind every entitled shit-head kid is a parent who cuts the crusts off their sandwiches.

maybe your boyfriend broke up with you cuz you called him baby instead of something cool like king wiener

My kid just put on an apron and made homemade brownies so forget the world, I'm not even the best mom in my house anymore.

Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child's dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.

[helping kid w/math] What is 0.1 as a fraction? "One tenth?" Good, now what does 10% mean? "Battery low, plug in your phone?" Perfect

I'd rather drop a baby than my iPhone.... I mean I can make another baby.... But I have no clue how to make an iPhone...

According to museum portraits, everyone in the 18th century looked like a giant chubby baby.