It's cool that my girlfriend is willing to bear my child, but it would be way cooler if she gave birth to a bear.

ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby 3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend

I like to stand next to someone else's screaming baby, call an ex boyfriend, and tell him, "We need to talk!"

[speed dating] Anyway, do you have a baby hedgehog? "No." *I take a deep breath and roll my eyes* [timer beeps]