Kids Jokes

If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I'd go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.

I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80's cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.

Kid's Choice Awards are a great reminder why children aren't allowed to vote.

My kids are always accusing me of having a "favorite child" which is ridiculous because I don't really like any of them.

[puts hand on wife's stomach as baby kicks] Come out here & try that.

Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose. Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she's in the Matrix*

i bet when Kid Rock invented rap, people were like "No! This is nonsense!" but he (in typical Kid fashion) was like "F*ck you're rules! "

It would be way cooler if whenever you punched a kid, a bunch of coins came out of them like in Mario. But ya, I'm free to babysit tonight.

I just watched one kid call his twin brother ugly and now I'm just waiting for him to realize what that means

We didn't have Legos when I was a kid. We had Lincoln Logs & we could build anything with them: big cabin, small cabin, you name the cabin.

If I ever have a baby, I hope it's a puppy.

remember swine flu??? retweet if you're a true 2009 kid

Baby's first cigarette!

*speaking to sandwich* honey, I have good news. you're going to have a baby brother! *starts making another sandwich*

U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn't have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything

It should be a rule that if you're going to put you kid on a leash, you can't be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them

Home Alone (1990, Comedy) Two burglars attempt to murder an abandoned 8-year-old child

*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?

My baby was coughing and choking and I panicked because I didn't know what to do. So I grabbed the bong out her hands before she dropped it.

I just gave a woman $700 to put her screaming baby in the overhead compartment on this plane.

Sarah Palin's new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.

I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal's throat.

Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you'll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.

We get about 25 screaming 5 yr old little girls together to scream nonstop at terrorists, BOOM, we win the War on Terror!

If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?