Kids Jokes

I hate double standards. If a baby crawls around, it's "adorable," but if I do, I'm "causing a disturbance" and "need to leave"? Whatever.

Practicing parenthood on an egg only teaches kids that if you cook your baby it's delicious.

Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don't have a son. That kid is one damn good liar

If cupids didnt have wings, theyd just be fat little baby assassins with crossbows.

So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or...

My son just told me he wouldn't kill baby Hitler b/c of what that would do to the space program. Not 100% sure if he's a Nazi or just a nerd

Man reading a book: hot Man with a baby: hot Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.

Just ran outside in a t shirt & panties to save a bird from my cat's mouth. My kid thinks I'm a hero. My neighbor wants to have drinks later

I've never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.

My favorite thing about being a parent is lying to my kid Me: The doctor cuts off our tails when we're born 8 y/o daughter: Wife: ZACK!

My friend's kid just turned 7 and he's an amazing child and she loves him. To be blown away by more original content, please see Facebook

Just snipped off a toddler's faux-hawk while his mom was in the bathroom at Starbucks, because I give a shit about the future.

If that baby didn't want to be aborted it should have pulled itself out by its bootstraps like a real American

[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don't you come join me? [Lobster]: No I'm good over here. That's how my dad died.

"Did you check your pockets?" - kangaroo who's lost a child

I went to the Gym and the power went out. I whispered, "thank you baby jesus" and left.

My kid throwing her toast out the car window was more badass than anything I've done in the last 10 years.

Hey people who say "look at our new baby", thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby

Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby. Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.

Me: Hurry up kid. We're gonna be late for school 6 y/o daughter: *begins eating each Lucky Charms marshmallow individually*

My kid's latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.

$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think "that'd be a great name for my new baby!"

Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let's make her a famous princess Droid: What about the other baby? Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere

Me: Got your nose! Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.

Confession: I'm a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!