Kids Jokes

If Kim and Kanye name their next kid North West again, we can comfortably refer to the two as One Direction.

Teens: I was an idiot when I was a kid 20s: I was an idiot when I was a teen 30s: I was an idiot in my 20s 33: if only there was a pattern

No child donuts left behind.

*finally gets comfortable with you* *starts whispering in your ear* "oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order"

The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you're going to donate them to charity.

See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they're playing minecraft.

They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.

Lion King is my favourite movie about an innocent baby animal. Being framed for murder.

When I was a kid I got in trouble for playing with Grandma Bella in the sandbox. Can't play with dead bodies apparently.

One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I'm going to visit.

I never feel guilty about eating baby carrots because it's not like adult carrots are doing anything great with their lives.

Just saw a 13 year old kid reading an actual newspaper. I stopped and asked of he was okay, and if he'd lost his phone.

I made fun of a lady swaddling her dog in a blanket and she overheard and turns out it wasn't a dog it was her baby hey have a great Monday.

If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.

Your son has been suspended "for what?" He hit a kid who was picking on another child "so what, yall ran out of ice cream to give him?"

Sorry I said your baby looks like the anti-Christ. I meant to say she looks like her mother.

NEVER shake a baby. Unless you think it might have money in it.

Woah, woah! Lets see some I.D., Kid! LOLZ!! Just kidding! Press that button and come on in! -Adult Websites

"He looks just like his grandfather" is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it's more of an accusation

What's the appropriate age to take the electric shock collar off your kid? My son's 10 years... hold on... OFF THE COUCH! brb... convulsing.

[Chaperoning field trip] ME BEFORE WE GO: Only rule is don't lose any kids. AFTER I LOSE A KID: New rule. You're allowed to lose one kid.

"I'm in the best shape of my life!" -Newborn baby

Wrong hole. No. Still the wrong hole. Only ONE in each hole! Ugh. Here! I'll show you. -Helping my kid put on a swimsuit.

[spelling bee finals] JUDGE: your word is "asterisk" KID: can you use it in a sentence? JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes

CRIMINAL: You can't arrest me if you can't see me. BABY COP: God damn, I wish I understood the concept of object permanence.