Kids Jokes

In the past hour I've dropped my phone and my computer. Let me hold your crying baby.

My Sister is naming her baby Nevaeh because it's Heaven spelled backwards. I said, just name her what she's going to end up being. Tulsa.

Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.

Our middle child says we neglect him/her.

My brother in law won't go to Hooters with me tonight because his wife is "having a baby." #lame

Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you've got their room bugged.

I don't know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.

Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.

I could've had a kid with a heroin addiction but Noooo. Instead my kid wants to join a Christian rock band.

Lets not kid ourselves, if the zombie apocalypse broke out, there are a couple people we would swear were zombies so we could shoot them

Is it rude to give a copy of photoshop at a baby shower? It's just that I know what both parents look like they're gonna need it.

If you feel like your parents didn't hug you enough as a child then it's probably because they didn't really want you. Good talk.

I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.

I think I'll test to see if my husband is checking my browser history by searching "How to tell if your baby is black in the womb."

When I was a kid, we had to do emojis with our face.

What's the recommended age to teach your child that Google has every answer to their homework?

Friend: Can I borrow a pen? Me: Sure! *looks in purse* *pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat* Me: Sorry, no pen. :(

"Don't tell me how to raise my cat!," I yell at my 7 y/o daughter who's chastising me for baby birding a tuna sandwich into my cat's mouth

Whoever coined the phrase "smooth as a baby's bottom" must have been a real creep.

My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I'd throw a rock or something but I'm afraid I'd hit the dog.

As soon as I can go a full year without losing a pair of sunglasses, then maybe I'll be ready to take care of a kid.

"What's better than a happy smiling baby?" "Personal freedom and disposable income?" "You make it really hard to talk to you sometimes."

One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I'd love to hold your baby

"Congratulations, the baby's got green overalls!" Peach sobs. Mario flies into a rage.

[sees kid crying] Kid: Im lost Me: that's ok. We're all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye